July 2018
CONTENTS
Cover: Contrary Action | Gene B.
Contrary Action and Step 6 | Anonymous
White Knuckle Chuckle | Gene B.
Contrary Action and Step 6
Anonymous
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Working any number of steps can be transformative, obviously more so the further along one goes in the 12 Steps. For many, the earlier steps, especially Step 4, can strongly signal that we need to change and that it takes a course of rigorous action to get there. But in this program, the first step to really signal that I had to change was Step 6. In that sense, the Sixth Step was the first game-changer step for me.
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When I worked Step 4 with my first sponsor in this program, my character defect of perfectionism came out of every part of my being, resulting in an inventory with a few hundred resentments combined with fears, obsessions, crushes, and sexual encounters. Working Step 4 a second time with a sponsor whose work was more grounded in 12 Step literature, we worked the standard, AA-based four-column chart, but we separated the inventories and found a lot to work with—even though he told me to limit my resentment inventory to 100 entries.
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When I was working my Fifth Step, going through my inventories, my sponsor said, “You’re very snooty.” I was surprised, as I thought that I was far less snooty (at least outwardly) than I used to be, but he was right. Not that I’m terminally unique—far from it—but how many people put musical genres on their Fourth Steps as resentments?
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That was the first surprise. My sponsor also said, “Step 6 is going to be hard for you,” which made it sound more intimidating than it was. However, when I got my list of character defects—my sponsor made it sound like it would be tortuous—it was simultaneously surprising and comforting to get this list of things that I needed to work on. The reason that Step 4 wasn’t hard for me was that I used to self-analysis. It was putting it into practice that proved difficult.
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With Step Six, my sponsor stressed contrary action as essential for working through my character defects. As the AA Big Book doesn’t say much about Steps 6 and 7, we used other literature, including literature from different S fellowships, to elucidate what Step 6 was trying to get me to do. Becoming “entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character” meant actively working to go against my character defects—which, my sponsor stressed, are not “the real me”—one day at a time.
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The steps are about processes of action, not simply results, so some of our exercises involved listing what the opposite of my defects would look like, what I was doing then to go against those defects, and what future action(s) I could take to go against these actions. These were powerful exercises that got me actively thinking about what I needed to do to get and stay sober and to become sober.
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The biggest proof that I was changing came from another SLAA member who told me that they’d seen a change in me in the preceding year—since I’d started working with my current sponsor. They mentioned how I reach out to newcomers and work actively to become a better citizen of meetings. I was on Step 6 at the time. This was a sign of things to come. Since then, I have worked actively to be of service and to be a better listener—one of my character defects is insensitivity and intolerance towards other people and their shortcomings. I take some pride in this, in what I hope is a humble and not excessively prideful way. I have changed and will continue to change because of my work on Step 6 and contrary action.
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Announcements
SLAA Retreat
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA presents
2018 Retreat: “Healthy Relationships”
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When
Friday, August 10–Sunday, August 12
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Where
Benet Lake Retreat Center
12605 224th Ave
Benet Lake, WI 53102
(about an hour from Chicago)
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To register online, make payment, or get the most up-to-date retreat details,
visit the Events page of the Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Fellowship website.
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Welcoming all “S” fellowship members!
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Reflections from the 2017 First Annual SLAA Retreat
“I received the opportunity to be of service to my fellows. It is through service that I stay sober so for the opportunity I am grateful. Some people were struggling on the retreat, and I gave away my experience, strength, and hope in support of their recovery. I kept so much, but mostly the knowing that God is with me at all moments of every day and accessible if I am open and willing.”
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“I had a truly extraordinary experience on the retreat, in the opposite way I expected. Rather than connecting with people one on one I found myself more connected to my fellows during meetings and meals. I also received multiple opportunities to do things that scared me—to ask for help completing a work project that came up unexpectedly, to participate in a Vision Board exercise that I had previously judged and dismissed. These opportunities to take action through fear and discomfort forced me to be vulnerable and brave, and to let others see me while this was happening. I received an increased sense of self-confidence, delight, and trust in myself as a result. As such, I was able to give away some fear and worry, and the false belief that I have to manage on my own. I kept a renewed sense of joy and trust in my sponsor, my fellows, and the program. Thank you. It was an immense gift.”
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Literature Review
All SLAA members have the opportunity to give review current drafts of literature being proposed for conference approval and give their feedback in advance of the Annual Business Meeting in August. Discussion will take place at the following times via conference call:
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Monday, July 23
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8:00–8:45 p.m.
Meditation Book as conference-approved literature: discussion -
8:45–9:30 p.m.
Twelve Concepts: discussion and feedback
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Tuesday, July 24
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8:00–8:45 p.m.
Step Questions Workbook as conference-approved literature: discussion -
8:45–9:30 p.m.
Anorexia 4-5-6-7 as conference-approved literature: discussion
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Sunday, July 29
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10:00–11:00 a.m.
Literature to be reviewed in advance of ABM: open discussion
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All calls will start and end promptly as scheduled. The dial-in information for the conference calls is as follows:
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Dial-in number: 1-866-692-4530
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Access code: 594 760 76
If you are interested in reviewing the proposed literature, contact Fellowship-Wide Services at https://slaafws.org/contact. If you have any feedback or questions about the proposed literature, please contact ABM delegate Scott F. at scottf.recovery@comcast.net or (414) 477-5377.
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SLAA Online Text-Only Chat
Those who need an additional resource in their SLAA recovery are invited to SLAA Online text-only chat recovery fellowship. Find more information by visiitng the SLAA website, slaaonline.org, or by emailing slaaonline@yahoo.com.
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Help the Journal
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Join other SLAA fellows on the anonymous email list for the fellowship-wide Journal, and read in the monthly e-newsletter, which includes ways members can be of service and stay informed, including
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"Question of the day" flyers with deadlines for submission
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Call for article submissions on various topics
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Journal announcements
If you would like to subscribe to the Journal, please click here for more information.
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White Knuckle Chuckle
Gene B.
Retreat, Surrender
Aimee A.
I did not want to go on retreat this year.
I had been on the fence about going on the All-S retreat when the chairs asked me to speak. I’m still learning to discern whether my hesitation about doing anything social is my disease trying to “protect” me, and in this case, being asked to speak, I believed was my Higher Power letting me know that, no matter how reticent I was feeling, I should go on this retreat. Fitting, as Higher Power was the retreat’s theme.
Agreeing to speak at the retreat ensured I couldn’t and wouldn’t back out. Which was a good thing, because in the weeks leading up to the retreat, what I wanted to do was two things: (1) find a reason to cancel or (2) pretend I was really looking forward to the retreat.
My recovery, though, has been built on contrary action—doing the opposite of what the impulses of my affliction want me to do. I know my affliction, in its own twisted way, only wants to keep me safe, keep me isolated in my very limited comfort zone. But every day, I’m challenged to show my affliction that it’s wrong.
So what I did instead of cancel or pretend, was two things: (1) accept my resistance AND (2) go to the retreat anyway.
Even as I stepped onto the grounds of LaSalle Manor and encountered close friends from the program, I was, in a word, uncomfortable. Any level of discomfort is often enough for me to turn tail and run, but instead, I recognized that I could hold wanting to go and not wanting to go at the same time, and respond to whatever I knew would be best for me, or even just the least bad.
What did I get from this contrary action? Like anything, the discomfort didn’t dissipate all on its own; it ebbed and flowed, waned and rose back up again. I found connection in the breakout groups, where I was reminded again that we all have at least one thing in common: the desire to be free from our disease. But also that we might have some small part of our stories in common: this person has a father like mine, that person also is afraid to admit they lie to keep themselves safe. I also found connection in free-time activities, canoeing around the tiny lake with my fellows, playing my second-ever game of bags with new and old friends.
And my resistance? I realized I used to feel the same resistance every time I planned to go to a meeting, and instead of staying home and hiding, I’d take contrary action and go. And when it was over, I’d feel, at the very least, some relief; at most, connection, love, camaraderie.
As I drove home from the retreat, I reflected on the 2017 SLAA retreat. I was new to program at the time, and I didn’t want to go, but I went anyway. And it was at that retreat that I felt, for the first time, truly a part of the fellowship.
This year, the All-S retreat further strengthened my bond to the program and the fellowship. So even though I might want to dig in my heels every time a summer retreat rolls around, I’ll do my best not to miss one ever again.
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For more insight from your fellows about June’s All-S Retreat, please read on . . .
This retreat . . . had some new faces as lead-givers, which is refreshing.
LaSalle Manor is lovely—the grounds and accommodations are top notch. The programming was great. I loved the back to back leads, and ample free time in the afternoon to nap, write notes, self nurture, and do service for the manor​
[I am] deeply grateful for the opportunity to be of service, and to explore recovery and spirituality with others in the program —Nicklin H.
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Paul D.
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NOTE: This column documents the experience of a program member who was sent overseas for job training. At one point during his sojourn, he remarked that his goal was to not just white-knuckle this trip, muddling through until he got home to safety. He wanted this to be a chance to actually work an even better program, to look the disease square in the face and improve his sobriety. Part of his recovery plan was to email a group of about fifteen program members on a daily, sometimes twice-daily basis. It’s a fly-on-the-wall look at how program principles can be woven into the mundane elements of a life.
Good evening. I stayed sober from all my bottom lines today including pornography, masturbation, cyber-sex, and sex outside my marriage. Today was a really relaxing and enjoyable day. After spending the morning talking with my wife, I watched a movie and then went out to KFC for lunch. I don't have KFC much at all when I'm home but I had a taste today for anything not Indian. It was actually pretty good. After coming back to the hotel I went to the gym and had a good workout. It was full of guys today so there were no triggers for me there. I made an SAA phone meeting tonight where we talked about outer circle activities. It was a really great reading with lots of good shares. So much attention is paid to staying away from bottom lines that I sometimes forget that there are a lot of top-line things I can do that naturally pull me away from acting out. I heard an AA say once that this is a program not just about not drinking (or acting out in my case), but about learning a new way to live. That's what the outer circle behaviors are for me. Prior to recovery, I would have spent so much of my time on a trip like this thinking about acting out, acting out, being extremely guilt ridden for acting out, and over and over. Now, instead I have books to read, sightseeing to do, pictures to take, phone calls to make, expense reports to submit, etc. I've been able to accomplish so much personally on this trip that never would have been possible without recovery. So I'm very thankful today for all the outer circle things I have at my disposal, as a new way to live.
I stuck to my computer boundaries today. I read a little bit of the news and played a few games on my tablet, but I didn't spend all day with my face buried in a screen. I also listened to a few podcasts from a minister that I really like. It was a series of messages on marriage and the union between a husband and wife. It was very good and got me thinking about a lot of things in a new light, through the lens of addiction and recovery for both my wife and me. Well, it's late, I'm tired, and tomorrow morning won't wait for me to wake up before it makes its debut. Thanks for listening.
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Meeting Minutes
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Attendance
Officer Reports
Chair
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Website updates
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Cathy removed Milwaukee meeting that is no longer taking place
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ABM – 2nd delegate previously approved and we still need a volunteer to go; Anthony said he would consider going if a female retreat co-chair is found
Fiduciary
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Revenue: $106.00
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Expenses: $30.00
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Current balance less prudent reserve: $4464.51
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Prudent reserve $710
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Motion to approve April fiduciary report passed (Y-8, N-0, A-1)
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Motion to approve May fiduciary report passed (Y-9, N-0, A-0)
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Decided that treasurer’s report will only include 1 ABM delegate for now and will be updated at a later date if a 2nd delegate is found
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Hannah and John are now only signatories on bank account; John got a new debit card to use for Intergroup expenses
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Fundraising event: Tami, Anthony, and John will serve as planning committee
In-reach
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Motion to approve April IG meeting minutes passed (Y–8, N-0, A-1)
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Fall gathering
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Vince to co-chair. Jodi will consider co-chairing; Bill willing to co-chair if no female co-chair is found
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Summer retreat
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Will be held Aug 10-12 in Benet Lake
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Anthony to co-chair; still looking for female co-chair
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Outreach
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What we need most for outreach is for more people to be sponsors
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New SLAA meeting at Insight treatment center will be moved to 150 E Huron and become open to all SLAA members starting Wednesday, June 6, 2018
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Current time is 7-8pm but will likely change to 6:30-7:30pm
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Attendance of regular SLAA members is needed
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Motion made to change the current “40 Questions” on the Intergroup website to an updated, more tech-based version. The motion included changing the order of questions by moving the first question back and also adding a disclaimer informing that the “40 Questions” is not a professional tool and not yet conference approved.
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Motion passed. (Y-8, N-0, A-1)
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Calls from people inquiring about program have diminished. Anthony thinks it’s due to the improved clarity of the website regarding "open" and "closed" meetings.
New Business
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Back to Basics workshop idea to be tabled for now. Oak Park just had one.
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Tehilla said announcement at meetings encouraging members to attend Intergroup was helpful
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Tehilla came to IG meeting today because of hearing one such announcement and will serve as rep for Rise and Shine as they don’t have one.
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Andy will encourage someone to be IG rep from Evanston morning meeting.
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Think about getting in touch with Chicago West Intergroup to try to work together for the greater good of the fellowship.
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It was brought up that a new meeting in the north suburbs could be helpful to members
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Kelly and Tehilla expressed interest and will speak with other members that live north of the city.
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Consider developing a combined report for each meeting’s IG group to summarize announcements to be made at meetings.
Announcements for IG Meeting Representatives
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SLAA retreat will be August 10-12 at Benet Lake, WI
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Encourage members to sign up to be IG meeting reps for meetings that don’t have one
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Remind members that all are welcome to attend IG meetings
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Announce new Wednesday night meeting downtown
Next Meeting
Saturday, June 16, 8–9:15 am at St. Hedwig’s Church, 2246 N Hoyne Ave, Chicago
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Cinesobrieté
Even the darkest nights will end and the sun will rise. —Les Miserables
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It’s the forgetting disease, addiction. Something happens, good or bad, and my thoughts narrow. I forget I have options. I forget the truth. I forget acceptance. I forget the chance for joy in my imperfect life. I forget to be humane to myself. I forget that I’m powerless. I forget about consequences. I forget that my lies will be discovered. I forget that addiction leads to brutal shame. I forget that I matter. I forget that I can hurt my loved ones with my actions. I forget that God is there and that God loves me.
And I can go in circles about whether I really forget or I just don’t care. Either way, there is a very simple and very hard choice to make: Can I believe? And even, can I act “as if,” even if I don’t believe? No matter what my human brain may concoct, the truth is that God is always there, whatever I’m experiencing will always pass, whatever I’m convinced of about myself—good or bad—will change. Whatever challenges I am facing will not kill me. The only way my addiction can kill me, is if I feed it.
I can make it through today sober, no matter what I may think or feel.
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Signs of Surrender
Angela W.
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When I try to stay present.
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When I have a sense of humor about how bad everything is going and what else could go wrong.
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When I sleep trusting all will be well, even when momentous things are going on.
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When some new guy has given me attention or affirmation and I just want more, so instead of making lunch plans with him, I call my sponsor and tell on myself.
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When I refrain from sending an email with a negative message, and instead seek to speak to the person by phone or in person, even when inconvenient for me or when I have to be patient and not get immediate satisfaction.
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When I’m impatient, and I remind myself this is how long it takes for this thing to happen (computer to boot, doctor’s visit, etc.), and I remind myself acceptance is the key to peace for me.
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Crosstalk
Gene, Nick, and Paul
Ever been to a meeting where the shares were so amazing you wanted to respond directly to each of them? Well, now you can! Below you'll find a reading, followed by a share each from Gene, Nick, and Paul. Following each share, the participants have been given the chance to respond, writing about what was stirred up by the share in a way that is safe, effective, and at a depth that adds dimension to the original reading and shares.
Reading
"A third reason why 'special-interest' groups have not caught on is that people in S.L.A.A. have realized that there is great therapeutic value to being around a wide spectrum of people which includes those who at one time might have provided opportunities for acting out. Being around very attractive people within S.L.A.A. forced us, within this sanctuary, to begin to learn how to interact more humanly with those who would have been cast as 'types,' on the outside. Like us, these people are now, within S.L.A.A., also intent on getting sober and finding a stable recovery. We have discovered, at S.L.A.A. meetings where all sex and love addicts are present, that we have a common basis for identification of the illness regardless of any other factors. To a great extent, S.L.A.A. meetings have been a kind of training ground which we have needed in order to become more capable of dealing with others on the outside who might present real threats to our sobriety. We come to see through the addictive potential of individuals, breaking the illusion so that the human dimension can come into focus. Learned first in S.L.A.A., this capacity to see beyond the addictive potential has been carried over into our dealings with those on the outside who could still be available. The values developed in dealing with one another within S.L.A.A. have become the blueprints we apply in assessing the real value of relationships outside of S.L.A.A." (S.L.A.A. Basic Text)
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Share
Gene: Having a co-ed home group, with women who have the potential to trigger me, has been a strengthening, if somewhat scary, experience. There are definitely times where I need to watch where I sit so as not to tempt myself to stare or go into fantasy, and there have even been times where I've had to say during my share that (without pointing fingers specifically) I've been triggered.
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But the rewards have been immense. I remember my sponsor's counsel the first time I came to him with anxiety about the growing number of women in our meeting. He used the term humanize as an antonym and curative for the objectifying that was instinctive for me. Learning to go up to women after a meeting (although I still generally don't call women for support) to talk or respond to a comment has been great modeling for how to behave with women I'm tempted to flirt with in real life. It's also clarified what flirting is for me, which is something I was confused about for many years.
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Response
Nick: As someone who has really struggled with objectifying (both myself and others), I really resonated deeply with the practice that you outlined of re-learning how to humanize (both myself and others). The idea that it requires conscious effort and practice is one that I haven't really talked very much about in the rooms, though I have discussed it with my sponsor. As a queer-identified transman, that boundary of one gender or the other being safer for me just isn't there—for better and for worse. It has challenged me in that I can easily slip into objectifying people of either gender; on the flip side, it has enabled me to be available to be an active support to and even sponsor different-gendered sponsees. I get lots of practice in discernment of boundaries, communicating my own and practicing consent—all of which have helped my recovery grow and deepen.
Paul: This is an issue that I also deal with on a meeting-by-meeting basis. Over the years of being in co-ed meetings, I've had numerous times where it was helpful to check in with another man about a woman in the meeting I find particularly attractive. This simple act of surrender has helped to curtail the fantasy and also remind me that God didn't put this woman in the room for me to objectify. She brings her own unique set of hopes, fears, struggles, triumphs, and pain; she is a child of God just like everyone else. She's someone's daughter, mother, sister, or wife, and I want to be a safe person for her to interact with. When I was active in my addiction (before recovery) I didn't give any thought to who I used for my own gratification. Now I want to be safe and for her to know that she can be in the room to recover from her own disease, and I won't be one to make her uncomfortable. This is a way for me to be of service. I also really identify with Gene's comment about learning how to appropriately interact with people I am attracted to, learning what is and is not flirting. I can talk to a woman as another child of God and as an equal, and there doesn't have to be anything sexual about it. That's a toolset I didn't have before recovery.
Share
Nick: Although almost all of the meetings that I have attended are ostensibly co-ed, there are many that are functionally single-gendered male meetings. This has often been problematic when a female-identified person comes to attend, especially if it is her very first meeting. When that happens, I will often modify my shares to bring out those experiences that I hope allow that person to feel, with me being a queer transman, that she is in fact not alone in that room, and although our outsides may be different, our hearts and minds and spirits are similar. I often speak about my experiences as a woman who struggled with the confusion about what sexual intimacy meant, and with the feelings of both objectifying and being objectified, as well as how deeply ingrained the fairy-tale fantasy influenced how I related to potential and actual partners. I am especially grateful to all the men in those meetings who work hard to make sure that the rooms remain a safe place for anyone seeking recovery by diligently working their own Ppograms and adhering to the precepts outlined in the Preamble.
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Response
Gene: Your share is totally making me reconnect with the 3rd and 5th Traditions, which I guess I feel should take precedence when someone who doesn't technically "fit" comes in. The reason for meetings is to carry the message, and anyone can come in if they have a desire to quit acting out.
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Paul: I think being sensitive to newcomers and modifying my share based based on that has the potential to be some great service to the room, and it also helps me in my awareness of others. Meetings are all about the newcomers, and it's good for me as a recovering addict to remember where I was the first time I walked into a room and what I needed to hear. At the end of the day, I'm an imperfect vessel, and my attempts to follow God's will and be of service will always be imperfect. But I believe that is where God's grace makes up for my insufficiency as well as everyone else's, and we all get what we came for.
Share
Paul: Another recovery skill I'm developing in meetings is the ability to really listen to people I'm attracted to. There have been moments when a woman is sharing, and I find myself starting to get lost in that "trance" that we have all experienced at one time or another. I know there are words coming out of her mouth, but I'm fixated on anything but what she is saying. In those moments I feel like God taps me on the shoulder, clears his throat, and gives me the look that lets me know I need to pay attention. When I'm able to really listen to her, to hear her joy, her pain, her struggle, her humanity, I find that I'm less triggered and starting to relate to her as a person instead of an object. It's also helpful to talk with my sponsor after the meeting and share my feelings about what she shared. Sometimes I will speak with her directly after the meeting if I was particularly affected by her share, but I try to keep it short and recovery focused. Again, I want to be safe and trustworthy.
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Response
Gene: This notion of active listening applies to SO much that can happen in a meeting. I'm thinking of 1st step leads with really uncomfortable descriptions of the past, or of cross talk, or of silent judgements I have against other people, or myself. Really being present -- getting out of my head and into the words being spoken, even if it's just (just?) the 12 steps being read for the umpteenth time is more than a metaphor for recovery for me; it IS recovery.
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Nick: Active listening is a skill that I have also been working hard to develop in my sobriety. The act of intentionally putting aside my own thoughts, judgments, and feelings is wonderfully freeing—even if it can sometimes require a huge amount of effort on my part. The process began with a bit of wisdom that my first sponsor shared with me when I first started attending meetings: "Listen for the similarities." From that place, I can find connection with others and keep down my perceptions of isolation.
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