June 2020: Managing Change
CONTENTS
Announcements
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Opportunities for Newsletter Submission
Marching Forward
Rob M.
Hey family,
I have been in SLAA recovery for almost 3 years now. One of my biggest triggers has been fear and uncertainty. Since working this program I've learned how to deal with my fear and uncertainty in much healthier ways and to take new perspectives on life. Since the end of March I have been furloughed from work as well as quarantined. Up until a few days ago I didn't know for certain that my job would still be there when this is finally over. My lease on my truck matures in October. I didn't have much savings in the bank. However, I have been able to look at the positives and not worry so much about the uncertainties. I really didn't have much choice actually.
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Since I've been working this program I've noticed that things like fantasy, intrigue and old ideas really don't appeal to me or do what they once did, and I know deep inside that there really is no turning back. It's a scary thought but one that will save me in the end. Looking back at the last couple of years I've had to make some difficult and emotional decisions including leaving a very comfortable relationship that wasn't good for me along with changing careers not knowing where I am going to end up. I was also comfortable at the old job. I've tried a few other places with two negative experiences back to back. The place I'm at now seems to be working for the time being, still the future isn't clear to me. There is no going back......
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With this current situation I realized that I was given something I really needed...a break...I've spent time with my family and worked through some of my resentments towards them and have been able to accept and forgive. I've made myself of service to them as much as possible. I've finished this college semester as of today. I've explored some new bike trails that were awesome, I've been meaning to do that for a long time. I get unemployment which has really helped. I've spent less so I've financially caught up. I've made the best of this time. While I have had some trouble sleeping with my life being off track, for the most part I'm managing.
I look back and see how everything worked out in the end despite the bumps I've hit. I'm still sober. Times like this can be tough for addicts but they don't have to be devastating, there's choices both good and bad. There's only one thing for me to do and that is to march forward
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Managing Change
Francis B.
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Ironically (or pathetically), I don’t feel there is much difference between now, during the quarantine and earlier, before things shut down. I have practiced “social distancing” most of my life. It was a way to not commit, to not be a part of something bigger than me; this, to prevent me from being misdirected from my goal in life – in my case, to be a trial attorney. It has also allowed me to avoid being taken care of by anyone else. So, now that “we’re all in this together”, and we all have an officially sanctioned reason to not connect ( as opposed to earlier, when I felt that I didn’t deserve to be bothering someone or that by doing so, I would be diverted from my “goal”), I now feel more justified in reaching out and availing myself of the people around me.
I’m clear that most of the time I didn’t get the support I felt I deserved and wanted, was simply because I didn’t ask for it. This officially sanctioned social “shut down” now makes it seem more appropriate to reach out and connect and there is no reason to feel ashamed of feeling alone. One of the ways I have survived the loneliness and separateness and nonsupport I have felt most of my life, was to stay structured. And during this pandemic I have done just that:
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praying in the morning as I arise;
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making my bed;
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shaving & bathing every day;
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watching my diet;
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attending an AA meeting 4 times a week day on Zoom;
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attending an SLAA meeting on Thurs. & Sat.
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meeting with my SLAA sponsor weekly;
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meditating for 15 minutes daily;
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walking to and from my office daily;
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working at the office daily.
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working at a food bank, weekly
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phoning out to friends who, before the quarantine, I felt I was imposing on.
However, what I am finding now is that I have become so “structured” that I have recreated the same problem of not connecting as I had before the pandemic. Now it is just from a more easily rationalized paradigm. I have been watching social pornography, like the “Outlander” and “We are Us “ and other series to which I am drawn because they are a substitute for the real, intimate, relationships I haven’t allowed myself to have (except for my 2 children); that I only wish and fantasize I had with another person. I realize that my living in the past gives me an identity and that my living in the future holds the promise of a fulfilment of some kind – and that both are illusions.
That the only way of coping is to be done here, now ! That I can’t intellectualize my way into anything. That the best I can do is try to connect. And the only way I can do that is to interact – no matter how awkwardly and clumsily – with other people. My job regularly brings me in contact with people who are financially just getting by and who don’t have the luxury of focusing on how they are “not part of the community” because they actually need each other to survive.
As disconnected as I often feel, I still have the “luxury” of walking back to my “gated community” and pretending that I am connecting with people. I only realized this the other evening when I was walking home from work the first night of the protests and found that I couldn’t walk farther North than the Chicago River because the gates had been closed – all the bridges across the Chicago River had been drawn up. And only once I got around them, could I again rationalize.
So, “How am I managing recovery during the current time?” Some things are hitting me that I never took the time to look at before. I’m beginning to realize that the quarantine has no real effect on my sense of separateness or loneliness; that my privileged place in society, which I believed, for a time, was the center of the universe, has allowed me to go away from who I really am and to be alone as I wish to be. This is a simple choice I have to make daily. As I have learned – and too regularly disregarded – the external circumstances are not what I can control, but only how I deal with them (or don’t).
Step 6: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”- Part 2*
*This is the second part of a 2-part article. Part I was published in the May newsletter, which can be accessed here
Matt C.
This time, however, I tried something different—a recovery move. “What is my higher power’s will for me?” I’ve learned to ask in step 2. “Stay in connection, keep the bridges open; tolerate uncomfortable feelings,” I’ve heard in response. So that morning in the car on the way to the state park I worked, first, to keep breathing: when I get angry I often hold my breath. Secondly, I worked to stay connected with my girlfriend by talking about our surroundings and our camping trip while we were driving. Eventually the anger passed and later, when we were installed at our campsite and enjoying a nice hike, I was able to tell her what had come up for me (feeling triggered) and what it was about (my history).
At some point in the future, I hope to be able to tell my girlfriend “I’m triggered” while I’m feeling triggered, instead of keeping it to myself. In other words: to turn over my will to isolate and withdraw from connection—in the moment—by admitting or sharing that I’m feeling disturbed and that I’m cooking with negative fantasies. My sponsor suggested that if I’m imagining things about her I can verify if my fantasies are accurate; for instance: “I have this idea you want me to be your parent and anticipate everything you need and take care of it…is that accurate?”
As I contemplate this idea I’m struck by how ridiculous my fantasies seem. It’s tempting to avoid sharing my inner thoughts, especially if others might find them ridiculous. On the other hand, if I share them out loud they have less chance of controlling me and leading me into a bitter, resentful isolation and sexual binge. If I can recognize and turn over my fantasies then I have a greater chance at connection with others and freedom from my addiction.
So many of the character defects on my Step 6 list are about my fantasies of mistreatment. Looking at my list of character defects—23 in all—I’m struck with a sense of fatigue; sometimes recovery seems so hard! Yet I’m learning to have compassion for my addicted self. My character defects indicate how profoundly my development has been interrupted. For instance: “I lose myself, preoccupied with others’ feelings…my own well-being going up and down according to how they’re doing,” and “I am immediately focused on and responsible for people in the vicinity who are loud and/or angry. I’m powerless over their intrusion and lose any sense of safety and boundary.” This is a particularly tough defect that I’ve struggled with my entire life.
Certain people, usually those who are loud or histrionic or quite needy, are very challenging for me. I feel powerless over obsessing about them and feel nervous. My ability to protect myself is compromised: I can’t hold my boundaries. They become my higher power. Just being in the same room with them—even if they aren’t saying or doing anything—renders me powerless over obsessing about them as if they’re blowing loudly on a trumpet, drowning out my own thinking and the voice of others in the room.
I’ve been so fundamentally divorced from myself for so long that I need the help of a higher power to find boundaries and to hold them. To be curious about what’s going on with me. To tolerate my discomfort and to ask myself what it is I’m feeling and what it is I need at any given moment. In recovery I’ve learned to consult my higher power and ask what their will for me is in any stressful moment. The answer has come back as a question: “How do we create a boundary when one doesn’t exist?” And also: “tolerate the discomfort while you practice having boundaries and focusing on yourself in a good way.”
So much of my suffering in my sex and love addiction has come from keeping things from others and withdrawing into myself where I listen only to the disturbed and afflicted sound of my victim narrative and where I practice avoidance: “I often choose the familiar stuck state—agitating though it is—instead of risking the uncertainty of change and of exploration.” In my “stuck state,” I seek help and relief from addictive behaviors such as pornography, voyeurism, ogling, fantasy, and by consulting my bitter, deprivational and painful fantasies of malevolence and revenge. Yet there never is much help or relief to be found from any of these behaviors or thinking. Whatever thrill or relief I get is always short lived, a false god, a trojan horse.
In recovery I’m learning to seek guidance, support, connection and caring from others and my higher power. I’m learning to follow the guidance offered, to tolerate discomfort in service of the “next right thing,” to practice moments of sitting and listening. To seek and use connection and community—uncomfortable as they may be—and to be of service to others as a means to nourish my spirit in a good way and to find freedom from my addiction.
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Announcements
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Thank You from Intergroup
The Chicago-Milwaukee Intergroup would like to express gratitude to the following groups for their contributions, as reported at the June meeting:​​​​
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Evanston Sunday Night SLAA Group (4/26/20): $25.00
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Tuesday Solution In The Suburbs SLAA Group (4/29/20): $10.00
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Friday & Saturday Beverly Serenity SLAA Group: $90.00
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Individual Donations (4/20/20-5/18/20): $64.00
These contributions help with Intergroup operations so we can continue to carry the message. Thank you!
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New Meditation Meeting Starting June 30th!
Tuesdays June 30, July 7, 14, 21, 28
8:30pm-9:00pm
Wednesdays July 1, 8, 15, 22, 29
8:30pm-9:00pm
Call 701-802-5209; Access Code 4963445#
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This meeting will be an enhancement to the meetings you already attend by offering a selection from the SLAA text, 5 minutes of collective meditation on the reading, and brief shares following that.If you are interested in chairing a meeting, please contact Mailroom@SLAAchicago.org (it's easy--there is a script to follow!) If there is ample attendance in July, more meetings will be added in the following months. Start and end your day with a short and sweet new meeting!
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Intergroup Positions Available
In March, the Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup held elections for Intergroup officer positions. There are still service positions available. If you would like to participate, we encourage you to join us on July 18, 2020 at 8 a.m. We are meeting remotely, please contact 312-725-9918 for details.
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Opportunities for Newsletter Submission
As members of SLAA, you have the opportunity to contribute to our local Intergroup newsletters, as well as the fellowship-wide newsletter. Read on for more information.
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Contribute to GREAT FACT
GREAT FACT—what you are reading at this very minute—is the newsletter for the Greater Chicago–Milwaukee Intergroup.
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We're prepping for publication for the next few months and looking for the following submissions:
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Essays
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Fiction
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Poetry
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Artwork
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Photography
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Upcoming deadlines:​​​
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July (July 10): "Fellowship"- What does fellowship look like for you? How does fellowship affect your recovery?
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August (August 10): "Anorexia"- What does your recovery look like as it pertains to anorexia? How have you recovered from anorexia?
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission." Please feel free to send us something outside of the themes above, and we’ll slot it in when appropriate. Thanks!
Upcoming Events​
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SLAA Summer Retreat
August 28-30, 2020
DeKoven Center, Racine WI
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SLAA Fellowship Game Night
Coming up this summer- stay tuned for more details!
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Meeting Minutes
Saturday, May 23, 2020
Attendance
Vince: Chair RFG
Anthony: Treasurer KCBG
William: IG Rep Sunday Evanston
Verne: Inreach/IG Rep Rise And Shine
Francis: Co-Editor Newsletter Rise And Shine
Christie: Website Facilitator RFG
Barney: IG Rep Evanst. 12 & 12, Sat.am
Caitlyn: Co-Editor Newsletter RFG
Hannah K: RFG
Kristin: IG Rep Milwaukee
Dave SC: IG Rep Beverly
Chase: Vice-Treasurer/IG Rep RFG
Papa: Visitor RFG
Hannah C: IG Rep RFG
Reading of the Agenda
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No New Business
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Concepts of Service Lead - Anthony
Concept #1; final responsibility and ultimate authority should reside in the collective conscience of our fellowship. This comes from AA’s 36 concepts. Recovery personally comes before we interact with others. Being effective in service to others results in something positive. Bill W wrote about how AA groups, if not serving their purpose should be disbanded; and it’s not some board of trustees who make the decision, but the group members themselves who have final authority.
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Next month: Concepts of Service #2 Lead - Francis
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Approve November, December 2019 IG Meeting minutes (9/10 Yea; 0 Nay)
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Approve April 2020 IG Meeting minutes (with amendations: 10 Yea; 0 Nay)
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Chairperson Report
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By-law Committee Update: the committee (Vince, Hannah K, William, Kelly) has been editing for several months. Vince will contact IG chairs to look over edits in order to have IG approve them, afterwhich the by-laws can be sent out to SLAA groups & posted to GCMSIG website for a three-month period of review and feedback gathering, after which there will be a final vote on their approval.
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IG Service Position Role Description Committee Report: Hannah K and Vince met to review service position descriptions, edit in order to standardize language used to describe IG role-tasks. By-laws edits must be completed before Service Role Positions can be approved.
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Chair reached out to contact Chicagoland All-S Meeting Website: no response to chair’s request to refer folks asking questions about SLAA to us at IG. Nor was there a response to the chair's question of who’s running this website. Chair will send another email seeking a response, and if none is forthcoming a group conscience will be sought at our IG meeting for the next action step to be taken.
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Issue raised: are SLAA meetings safe? Any problems with the on-line technology affecting anonymity? No incidents have been noted, but some people have stopped attending meetings for fear of having a screen-shot taken of them. The IG chair welcomes all to share ideas on how to protect security/anonymity of meeting attendees.
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Website Facilitation Report
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The website has been kept up to date.
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Treasurer’s Report
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Treasurer (Anthony) apologized for a one-time use of IG Venmo account to address an RFG meeting financial need.
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All bills are being paid.
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ABM will be on-line this year, and there will be a relatively small fee for attendance.
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How is income/7th Tradition being managed, as all SLAA meetings have shifted to Zoom, phone? Discussion on improving communication about Venmo account usage: our IG donation method is through Augustine-fellowship on Venmo.
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Treasurer has been sending a Treasury report to newsletter editors for publication, monthly.
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Suggestion made to add a more detailed accounting of all the meetings in the greater Chicago-land/Milwaukee area, in order to improve tracking of donations from meetings. This will be considered by the treasurer.
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Inreach Report
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Suggestion made to create an On-line Games Night activity, as a response to the prolonged shelter-at-home situation. Barney offered to facilitate, perhaps including ice-breakers and other games. Caitlyn offered to help, as did Hannah K (after the month is over). Motion made to authorize this project, and passed, Yea: 10, Nay: 0.
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Newsletter: appeal for articles, and editors plan to bring more of the publishing process to IG in order to discuss submissions/receive more feedback.
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Summer Retreat update: Vince has been meeting with Hannah C to coordinate, plan and organize the retreat. Theme: A New Pair of Glasses, 2020. August 28-30 at DeKovan retreat center in Racine, WI. A save-the-date flyer will be created and brought to IG for dispersal to meetings.
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A budget of $8,310 in estimated expenses has been created. $800 deposit has been paid. Question raised about whether the deposit is refundable if the shelter-at-home order remains - this will be looked into by the committee. Suggestion that the retreat budget be reformulated with printing costs cut in half; adding a Covid-19 prevention budget item for the purchase of PPE, hand-sanitizer, masks, gloves.
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Is scholarship money included in the budget? There’s anticipation that offering scholarships would increase attendance.
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Comparing last year’s retreat. Budget for 2019: $7,629, with approximately 35 attendees. This year we’re budgeting for 40 attendees. What is the cost for attendance? $205-210 for single room, $195-200 for double. Similar to last year’s fees.
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Back-to-Basics Workshop update (William): As of now the workshop is on hold until the lock-down is ended. Material for the workshop will be presented to IG officers for feedback/editing. Previous year’s workshop presented by Chicago West Intergroup included SA and AA literature which will be removed from the planned-for B-2-B SLAA workshop.
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Committee on Meditation Meetings (Verne, Caitlyn, Kristin) update: creating format for 8:30am/pm half-hour, phone meetings. Will be sharing literature, format for meetings with IG next month. Committee meets Sunday evenings.
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Outreach Report
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Anthony and Vince are filling in the gap of IG having Outreach chair unfilled. A treatment center in Naperville requested an SLAA representative to speak to their IOP/PHP program. Anthony noted that AA has committees, training programs, guidelines for speakers who are interfacing with outside agencies. He suggested we come up with guidelines, training, vetting processes so that folks representing our fellowship understand many issues raised doing outreach. Anthony and Vince are reviewing AA literature about outreach in order to create a GCMSIG document orienting outreach presenters. Also, we need to consider a process assuring outreach representatives will not get triggered by speaking in public about our work.
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Meeting Representative Announcements
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Encourage IG donations via Venmo (@Augustine-fellowship)
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Encourage anyone interested in hosting half-hour, phone, Meditation Meetings 8:30am or pm to contact: Mailroom @ SLAAchicago.org.
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Encourage members looking to do service to attend IG meeting - next is June 20.
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Encourage written submissions to Newsletter, also at Mailroom@SLAAchicago.org.
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Treasury Report
05/14/20-06/15/20
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Starting Balance May 14, 2020 $6,188.98
Total Intergroup Group/Individual Donations +$189.00
Total Expenses $32.68
Acct. Current Balance (6/15/20) Act. $6,345.30
*The full treasury report is available through your Group Intergroup Representative or by request to: mailroom@slaachicago.org.
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SLAA Online Text-Only Chat
Those who need an additional resource in their SLAA recovery are invited to SLAA Online text-only chat recovery fellowship. Find more information by visiting the SLAA website, slaaonline.org, or by emailing slaaonline@yahoo.com.
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Contribute to West Chicago Intergroup Newsletter
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Our friends in the West Chicago Intergroup invite members to contribute to their newsletter to share their experience, strength, and hope. According to Mark K., "Writing an article for our newsletter is one way you can serve yourself and others." For more information, email pcomind@gmail.com or visit the West Chicago Intergroup website.
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Contribute to the Fellowship-Wide Newsletter: Journal
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​The Journal is SLAA’s fellowship-wide newsletter, which goes out to fellows around the world.
The Journal seeks submissions for the “Question of the Day” for upcoming issues (deadline): ​
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September/October: "Tools for No Contact" Have you ever gotten through the pain of a no contact rule to come to some new revelation about yourself, clarity, peace, or mindfulness? Please share any tools that make no contact easier. (July 15)
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November/December: "Reconciliation" Please share your experience, strength, and hope around reconciliation. How do you deal with expectations and “lay an entirely new foundation for cooperation, trust and inti- macy?” (Sept. 15)
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January/February: "Anonymity" Do you feel different about anonymity than when you first got here? Please share your experience, strength, and hope around breaking your anonymity to help another or any experiences around anonymity that have helped you grow in recovery. (Nov. 15)
Submit responses or other contributions to www.slaafws.org/journalsubmit.
To subscribe to the Journal or read the current issue, please click here.
Thank you for reading!
Coming in July: "Fellowship"
We invite you to share your experience, strength, and hope.
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission"
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