Gratitude for Withdrawal

Caitlyn

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When I first came to the rooms of SLAA and was in withdrawal from my acting out behaviors, I read the chapter on withdrawal to give me some comfort for what I was experiencing. I felt depressed, lonely and hopeless. And not sure what to do with my time now that I wasn’t acting out. I wasn’t sure how to live without my acting out or who I was. And so I clinged to the withdrawal chapter as it gave me some answers to what I was going through.

I read about what withdrawal was and what I was withdrawing from, i.e. not just a specific person but life-long patterns of acting out. I found it helpful to understand the ways of entering withdrawal, both stopping cold turkey and stopping gradually. In my case, I had experienced both with slightly different results.

When I finally hit bottom after another failed relationship that I was not able to let go of, I experienced severe physical and mental symptoms I attribute to the abrupt withdrawal. There was the depression and feelings of loneliness and lack of worth. I was uncomfortable and anxious especially while alone. Which at that point in my disease, was a lot of time due to having cut people out of my life to prioritize acting out. I believe all of this manifested itself physically and I experienced severe nausea for a couple weeks following this relationship ending. It was so bad I had to seek medical help. It was also at this time I sought out help and found the rooms of SLAA.

A few months later, after I started to work the steps with a sponsor and established my bottom line behaviors, I entered the gradual part of the withdrawal. This withdrawal was slightly different from the abrupt withdrawal. This was the withdrawal from the lifelong patterns of my acting out, not just this last relationship that ended with a specific person. This gradual withdrawal came from getting clear about my bottom lines and getting sober from them. I ended contact with former acting out partners and men that I kept on the back burner and used when I needed some attention. I saw that I was using people to get validation and to feel wanted, even though I knew that I wasn’t ready to date or interested in them. When I stopped this contact, I realized this was the first time in over 10 years that I didn’t have someone I was talking to and was alone with myself. This gave me the time and space to finally look at what was behind my acting out, to address the things I had been running away from for some time. This looked like my fear of being alone, fear of being not good enough, and the shame of my past acting out. In conjunction with working the steps at this time, particularly step 4, I started to see how many patterns there were and how the last relationship was part of these patterns. And while the acting out was progressively escalated, it was not new.

I knew from the signposts in the basic text, and from talking with others in the program, that withdrawal would not last forever, although it did feel like that at the time. I don’t know exactly when it ended, but the signposts helped me see I was making progress in getting through it. 

One of the big signposts for me was no longer wondering when I could get back and date. I was grateful when I experienced this and started to see the importance of this work for myself and others. I started to enjoy the time alone and the opportunity to take care of myself and to get to know myself. And I began the work of addressing my issues directly and honestly instead of avoiding and numbing them.  

The process of withdrawal has given me many gifts, including in the steps I am working. One of the biggest gifts is the awareness that my behaviors are patterns, which became evident as I worked steps 4,5, and 6. My patterns are useful in identifying behaviors that no longer work for me and in being willing to try a different way. It’s also useful in getting outside of a victim mentality when I can see there’s something I am doing to contribute to the situation. Withdrawal also helped me to learn more about myself, my likes and dislikes. And to get comfortable with being alone, finding enjoyment in spending time with myself. I also believe that I needed the withdrawal, physically and mentially, to be open and available to working the steps.

For these reasons, I am grateful for my withdrawal and that I was finally willing to accept help. My life has changed and grown in ways I couldn’t imagine back in withdrawal and I believe that’s all due to going through the pain and discomfort of withdrawal, working the steps and working with others. This program really works!