Looking Forward, Looking Back

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        I like to believe that the holidays can be a joyous time, and for this year so far so good.  My family pulled off a harmonious Thanksgiving and I have reason to believe the coming weeks should be fun and relaxing. Alas, without SLAA I know this time of the year would look a lot different to me.  When I imagine late November to early January without program it's as if I've suddenly become Ebenezer Scrooge and the Ghost of Christmas Past (or Future) is showing me a VHS tape rolled back (or forward) to a less sober time.  There I can clearly see another version of myself sulking around in a snowy haze of nostalgic self pity, resenting anyone standing in the way of his living out “new standards of morality” (the ones where he gets whatever he wants when he wants it).  

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“…all of us were using our sexual powers and emotional investments to either lessen pain or augment pleasure. These pervasive motives governed our sexual and romantic intentions and actions.”

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                                                                                                         - The Basic Text for The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (p. 125).

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        I’m undoubtedly in a better place than back in January of 2020.  I don’t think any of my 2023 highlights could have been possible if I was continuing to live as I did before the fallout of my infidelity brought me into SLAA.

Here are a few of my  accomplishments from this last year.  I’m glad to have this opportunity to remember what a remarkable year it was! 

        - After surviving Covid and jet lag, I had the privilege of meeting my mother and father in law in person for the first time in Japan.  

        -I literally rang in the new year by gently striking an ancient Joya-no-Kane bell with a giant log/ mallet in a buddhist temple in Japan with my wife.  

        - I was able to reunite musically with some of my best friends in my old band for two shows in the Kansas City area after 9 years of not performing with them.  

        -I released a full length solo album of original music I’d been working on for a few years and performed the songs from the album live in 5 states.

        - I held down a job that I didn’t always love but which has provided valuable learning opportunities and financial stability I was lacking a few years ago.  

        - I helped organize a celebration for my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary.  

        - Through the inevitable ups and downs of the year I stayed clear of my bottom lines of sex outside my marriage, spending money on anything to do with sex outside my marriage, and “rain checking” communications / romantic intrigue with anyone other than my spouse.  

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"Finally, it is important to emphasize, again, that however honest we became through any last-ditch efforts at 'control', our sobriety did not really begin until the last reservation had been let go, and we gave up the right, for one day (or one hour) at a time, to have 'one more' liaison with our addiction."

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                                                                                                        - The Basic Text for The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (p. 184). 

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        These startling words from the withdrawal chapter in the SLAA basic text often come to mind when I’m (HALTingly?) hungry, angry, lonely, and/or tired and, say, tempted to text an ex acting out partner or indulge in a “middle circle” behavior (something that could easily lead to breaking a bottom line) like navigating to sexual imagery on my phone or scrolling social media too long.  In those moments I have learned to pray for serenity, reach out to fellows, take a walk, or do some step work.  It’s now easier for me to see I have lots of options other than acting out.   

        My life has been fairly stable lately, but as you might guess it took a lot of time and effort, and I couldn’t have done it alone.  In fact I needed to re-admit in (almost daily) SLAA meetings that I was powerless over addictive sexual and emotional behavior.  Yes, whether I liked it or not, I was still a sex and love addict every day of 2023.  For quite a long time (always?) I’ve been craving inordinate amounts of external validation to boost my low self confidence.  Through my addictive behaviors I definitely sought to augment pleasure and lessen pain.  Basically there’s one of those God-sized holes in me that I’ve tried in vain to fill with the candy of my process addiction for a long time. 

        I have done varying degrees of “faking it until I make it” in meetings, but I do think abstaining from bottom lines over longer periods of time has given me a greater sense of well being and confidence. I try to plan ahead for potentially triggering situations with the help of fellows.  “Playing the tape forward” is a helpful idea, basically taking time to understand potential consequences of a particular behavior before doing it.  As I’ve gotten more time in recovery I have slowly but surely felt more dignity and respect for myself. 

 

        If you have decided to follow the suggestions of this program, a new life will begin to unfold within you. Along with this new life are promises that will guide and sustain you. They are manifesting among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

 

        After quite a few years of habitual acting out and many difficult experiences that could be seen as results of my poor decisions, I can honestly say my behavior is now more in line with what I truly want for myself.  What do I want for myself? I want to have time and energy for my creative pursuits, enough work to pay my bills, and to be able to look in the mirror knowing I’m not lying to my precious wife and family.  I want to live without all the shame and secrets I carried around in the past. 

        I think I’m more in the “sometimes slowly” camp.  In my stepwork I was sitting on step 7 for over a year.  For many days since July of 2022 I recited 7th step affirmations asking my higher power to remove my defects of character and replace them with their opposite. Here’s an example: “Perfectionism, replaced with patience for projects that take time and prayers for removal of fear of judgment. Acceptance of myself, sharing of things in progress and learning from others’ responses.”  The affirmations are helpful, but maybe I really didn’t want to let go of my defects or something? For whatever reason I was not really feeling the essence of the words as I recited them after a while.

        I think what has helped to get me moving on to step 8 is the practice of involving others by sharing my daily PCI (Personal Craziness Index) with a handful of program fellows working step 7  via a nightly text thread.  This is an exercise from the Carnes Gentle Path book, and the idea is to get in the habit of keeping a daily inventory of behaviors that can indicate when one’s life may be moving toward unmanageability.  For example if I’ve been avoiding doing the dishes or taking out the trash for two or three days that may be indicative of unmanageability, and over time a higher likelihood of acting out.  It’s a daily reminder to take care of basics, and sharing it helps me remember I’m not alone.  I can’t work the program in a vacuum, and these guys on the thread are there for accountability and solidarity.  It has been a useful practice to get into.

        I have started writing out my step 8 amends list, and while it hurts to revisit the specific harms I’ve done to my loved ones, it feels good to be moving forward and not avoiding. I am starting to look forward to the unburdening that I will hopefully experience through the process of making step 9 amends.  

        I really try to do it a day at a time, but I have committed to my sponsor to finish writing step 8 by the end of the year.  Looking forward to 2024, I want to work step 9 and continue to use the program to move forward in my life while tending to my need for connection.  One of the more difficult aspects of 2023 for my family is that my mom has been experiencing cognitive decline and has just recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers.  She’s still alert and aware but things are changing and I’d like to make amends to her sooner than later.  

        Finally, after almost 4 years in SLAA, I have started to dip a toe in the waters of sponsorship. I have a character defect of “self-downing,” so I’m doing my best to make a practice of valuing myself / not selling myself short.  It's difficult to fathom but my experience, strength, and hope could be helpful to another. It seems that new realms of serenity may be available to me through my sharing the gifts of sobriety that have been granted to me by my higher power.  

        By the way, I still don’t know what my higher power is.  I don’t think it’s the man with a white beard on a cloud from my childhood, and I’m okay with not knowing.  I know it’s NOT ME but I trust that it has my best interest at heart. 

 

-Andrew C.

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Spiritual Goals

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To me, spirituality is about what I'm focusing on and what am I focusing through. When my attention is on my higher power, I am serene and without anxiety. I came into program four years ago with an immense amount of anxiety. Up until then I would solve this problem by acting out. Then shortly after acting out, my anxiety would get even worse. I just wanted to feel better. It was my sole focus.

 

Today, my focus is spirituality. I look through a "New Pair of Glasses" with God-lenses as much as possible, ones that see the world guided by my Higher Power. I accidentally take them off or lose them sometimes, but I find them again soon enough. Working my program, praying, meditating, going to church, and studying my religion are all in focus with my new glasses.

 

Every year I take my glasses off to clean them and evaluate how I am viewing the world and the future. I do this by making goals. I heard that if you share your goals with someone you are more likely to achieve them, so I figure sharing in this newsletter will make it super-possible! This year, I have three spiritual goals.

 

1. Start and finish all my amends.

 

Since amends seem hard and I feel pretty great from working my other steps up to this point, the urge to get going is lacking. However, I continuously hear that when you do your amends the real joy begins. I'll use that information plus a deadline to motivate me.

 

2. Build a personal relationship with my church leader.

 

I just have a lot of questions for him and feel like he'd be a great resource for spiritual growth. My plan is to do this by standing near him while participating in service and events. The plan my sponsor will probably give me is to directly ask him to make an appointment. I think my HP is telling me to check with my sponsor.

 

3. Take on a leadership position within my church.

 

After getting a lot of practice doing service in SLAA, I'm finally starting to feel like I'm part of the group. It has taken a while to admit, but I feel needed in SLAA. I never felt needed by a man. By needed, I think I mean loved. It kind of dawned on me recently that the things I enjoy and benefit from are also my responsibility to maintain.

 

Without me, my SLAA meetings, my church, and my clubs might not exist or be as good. Contributing is not a bossy, showy, lowly or busywork thing. I've discovered that it's a loving thing. - just as long as I'm wearing my new pair of glasses.

 

-Abby H.

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Wild Blue (Excellent) Yonder

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At the moment you were talking about being present

A mountain of noise rose up from the gang in the basement

Buckling through our floorboards like a sci-fi dome or something

And it was ten o'clock sharp so bells tolled through the windows

I am distractible

I’m sensitive

And I was pissed, judging each squeak’s author.

But it was predicated on fiction

That there could be such a thing as no noise.

Noise is always everywhere

But maybe

Is it possible it's actually great, the guys downstairs

communing, improving down there just like we are up here?

And how amazing to have bells

Gold harmonic muscle tones out there?

Is it possible

The stuff that’s coming at me

Might not be out to get me?

 

-Gene B.