May 2020: Service
CONTENTS
Service
MLR
“Service is as important as the air we breathe, the beauty of this city and the togetherness we hold.”
Defaults
Francis B.
Yesterday I preempted myself from obtaining something because of a result of a defect I never saw before so clearly. I had been putting off applying for federal money available because of the quarantine (which completely interrupted my business) – probably because I didn’t feel entitled to it. I have a close friend who is financially adept and knowledgeable and was supporting me in obtaining this unemployment compensation, every step of the way, from first convincing me that I was entitled to it to directing me to which source I should apply. I completed the IL State Unemployment form and sent it in and what occurs to me only now is that instead of asking for his further help in vetting my answers before submitting the application, I just completed the form and submitted it.
Only AFTER I sent him a copy of my application could he point out that by misstating my position (at the end, I described myself, still) as “an entrepreneur”, rather than “unemployed”), I preempted myself from receiving any compensation. My point is not that I now have to phone (and, probably, never get through) and explain my mischaracterization of the term to the bureaucracy, but rather that it never occurred to me to ask for help.
And that is my default (of “defect” as you may characterize it) – to not even consider that I can get support from anyone. It wasn’t that I don’t trust him or other people enough to ask. What might have been, at one point in my life, a necessary skill, has now become a liability.
I finally see how this ties into the 7th Step (HUMBLY asked God to…). What underlies this inability to refuse to consider help is my arrogance and lack of humility that I may need help. And that’s why, unless I stay mindful, I so often feel alone and apart from the people around me. So when I work my program, I have to consciously put myself in positions where I have no alternative but to consider asking for help.
For me this takes the form of
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allowing someone to sponsor me and actually allowing in his feed- back. A good example is part of my service commitment to SLAA as being someone whose service consists of collecting articles for the SLAA newsletter. It’s embarrassingly obviously, but only after it’s pointed out, that instead of just announcing the need for articles, I could actually engage with people, letting them express what is going on with them and providing a conduit by which they can share themselves with others
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actually sharing & participating in meetings, instead of just attending, but, hiding out
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giving leads or contributing articles to the SLAA newsletter – certainly not to roll out my “pearls of wisdom”, but to get actual feedback from the people with whom I’ve shared myself.
For it’s only by sharing myself and taking in feed-back about what does and doesn’t work in my life, that I have a chance of changing how I live it and my relations to the people around me.
Meetings and my Stinkin’ Thinkin’
Dave Sc.
After years in and out of the rooms, I finally got what they say: “There is only one step that you need to do perfectly and that is the first step.” I finally got a Sponsor and I admitted to him full-throatedly and wholeheartedly that I was powerless over sex-and-love addiction—that my life had become unmanageable. It seemed like I finally got it!
But right after telling him that, my Sponsor said, “Call me tomorrow.” The slogan, “One Day at a Time,” had slipped my mind! Since that day, I’ve become a slogan guy. It surprised me that Bill W. only writes three slogans into the first 164 pages of the Big Book. Not one of them is “One Day at a Time!” Still, among slogans, for me that one heads the list.
These days, along with most Americans, I am following government orders to reduce the adverse health effects of an infectious disease that at present has no cure. I was living alone before the coronavirus pandemic arrived, so in social distancing I have been joking with friends that they are “late to the party.” But all kidding aside, it seems I now have a “second layer” of isolation not unlike in spiritual terms the “second layer” of cloth doctors recommend we sew into our face masks. As a result, I have been looking for meetings by phone and online like an anteater for his favorite meal. I’ve been thinking that, now, with all that’s going on, I have good reason to go to meetings as often as I can.
Lately though on this very topic of meetings I’ve been reminded of another favorite slogan of mine: my Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Pretty soon (perhaps even now as you read this) our state is lifting some of its stay-closed orders on non-essential retail and services. Super! Now I can get that haircut I need – at least on the back of my head. (I live alone, remember? Mirrors help only so much!) And super! Now I can skip meetings! Wait a minute, wha— what? As far as my disease of sex and love addiction is concerned, this is the height of Stinkin’Thinkin’. Skipping my meetings seems to make sense… for my acting out!
The same thinking that drove me wisely to meetings when the curve was climbing is driving me unwisely away from them when the curve is falling. Like another slogan goes, “If I can’t get a ride to a meeting, I walk. If I think I don’t need a meeting, I run!” What is the “perfume” against my “Stinkin’ Thinkin’ ? It’s this: that I am honest with myself and my sex and love addiction and I surrender (One Day at a Time) to the fact that there is no one better than my Sponsor and the people around the tables (virtual or the wood kind!) to tell me if I am on the right track or if I am falling victim to my sex-and-love-addicted mind.
Step 6: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”- Part I*
Matt C.
This article is the culmination of my step 6 work. The assignment came all of a sudden when, while sharing my step six list with my sponsor and sponsee brothers, my sponsor told me to write an article about the list—my character defects I’d carefully inventoried in step four, shared with him and my sponsee group in step five, distilled in step six and was now sharing again. My initial thought was hostile: “this is BS,” I thought. “He doesn’t care about me, or my recovery. He cares about the newsletter, and the IG (the Inter-Group…which has recently promoted and encouraged submissions to the newsletter)…he’s using me to please them and to raise his standing with them.”
To feel used by another for their own agenda—to understand a question or request in a malicious way, and to think less of myself as a result---that’s a long-standing character defect. Looking at my step six list I see that “I frequently suspect others of trying to control me and/or manipulate me and I resent them for it. I get hung up thinking others want to use me and that my job is to serve them in this capacity.” And also: “Negative self-talk and shame protects me from real feelings and the real me.”
I don’t believe others really care about me…and that hurts. I want to be cared for and want to care for myself. When I am living through my character defects then both are unavailable for me. Instead, I’m caught in a cycle of anger and fear, experiencing others as hostile and wanting to avoid them or lash out at them. So much of my internal life has been caught in this type of toxic thinking. The consequences have been severe: slowing, blocking and causing me to avoid relationships and connection.
This is a set up for deprivation, for anorexia. My needs for social connection don’t get met. Many have noted in meetings that “my addiction wants me alone.” I agree! Because without connection I am alone and when I’m alone and unfed on the care and support of others, sooner or later—usually sooner—I begin to sexualize my needs: “When I don’t know what to do with myself I sexualize my indecision and uncertainty,” and: “I use sex as a way of compensating for undeveloped me,” and finally: “I use intrigue and fantasy as a way to stimulate myself when I feel lost.” This feeling is like a drum beating faster and faster until the drum breaks…the pressure builds until I can’t take it anymore and then I use my drug.
Moving through my anger generated by this character defect I took a risk and shared with my sponsor what I was thinking. He asked “could it be that I value what you have to say? That I admire the work you’ve done and honestly think it would be helpful to others?” There was silence on the phone line. I hadn’t thought of this. “I like the re-frame,” I said.
It’s so hard to believe in the care and affection of others, to accept their compliments, good intentions and well wishes, their affection and love. Having protected myself from this for so long—not trusting others, believing they are interested in using me or hurting me—when I do make room for the possibility that others are kind and wishing to connect, then my tolerance for such connection is still somewhat limited. As I’ve worked my SLAA program I’ve come to recognize that I can take only so much love at a time…like a dosage…and then I become activated, tense…I need to retreat and calm down.
I’m proud I told my sponsor my angry fantasy—that I thought he wished to use me for the newsletter—even though it was wacky and bore no connection to reality. My admission to him is an example of how I’m recovering; in the past I wouldn’t have done this. How many of us tell others when they feel angry or hurt? Not many I wager; certainly not me. Sharing my thinking—however distorted—when I feel angry or hurt, is strong recovery work for me and one of the ways I work step 3: “made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my HP as I understand my HP.”
When I do this with another person I’m attempting to connect. Even if what I’m thinking is inaccurate—and it usually is—it helps to bridge the connection between us and quickly remove the tension I’m feeling, before that tension can become resentment.
Recently I was driving to a state park with my girlfriend. I’d asked her to navigate. She spaced out and eventually I discovered we were on the wrong expressway and we’d gone at least an hour out of our way. I felt triggered and negative thinking, inspired by my character defects soon followed: “she is using me. She wants me to handle everything in the relationship. She needs me to take care of her…she’s like a little girl and is using me to be the parent she never had…and she’ll never ask me for any of this…”
These are essentially the same things I used to say to myself when I’d feel triggered by my mother. And thinking this I would get angry and remove myself from the conversation, often in a fuming sulk, “Inside my negative fantasies I attack those who I imagine are hurting me. In my fantasy rage I show them how angry and hurt I feel.” And, “I take my fantasy rage into my life and react to these imagined slights and hostilities I feel by pushing people away.”
*this is the first part of a 2-part article. Part II will be published in the June newsletter
Announcements
Thank You from Intergroup
The Chicago-Milwaukee Intergroup would like to express gratitude to the following groups for their contributions, as reported at the May meeting:
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Thursday Keep Coming Back SLAA Group (3/26/20): $3.00
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Hedwigs SLAA Group- April Appeal (4/4/20): $9.00
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Friday & Saturday Beverly Serenity SLAA Group (4/14/20): $90.00
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SLAA Phone Groups/Zoom (4/20/20): $30.00
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Rise and Shine SLAA Group (4/2/20): $8.00
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Ravenswood Fellowship Group Monthly Appeal (2/27/20): $25.00
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Individual Donations (3/23/20-4/9/20): $30.00
These contributions help with Intergroup operations so we can continue to carry the message. Thank you!
Intergroup Positions Available
In March, the Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup held elections for Intergroup officer positions. There are still service positions available. If you would like to participate, we encourage you to join us on June, 21 2020 at 8 a.m. We are meeting remotely, please contact 312-725-9918 for details.
Opportunities for Newsletter Submission
As members of SLAA, you have the opportunity to contribute to our local Intergroup newsletters, as well as the fellowship-wide newsletter. Read on for more information.
Contribute to GREAT FACT
GREAT FACT—what you are reading at this very minute—is the newsletter for the Greater Chicago–Milwaukee Intergroup.
We're prepping for publication for the next few months and looking for the following submissions:
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Essays
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Fiction
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Poetry
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Artwork
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Photography
Upcoming deadlines:
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June (June 10): “Managing Change”- How are you managing recovery during the current time? What tools have you been using that have helped your recovery?
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July (July 5): "Fellowship"- What does fellowship look like for you? How does fellowship affect your recovery?
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission." Please feel free to send us something outside of the themes above, and we’ll slot it in when appropriate. Thanks!
Upcoming Events
Save the date for the following S-Retreats!
SLAA Summer Retreat
August 28-30, 2020
A New Pair of Glasses in 2020
All-S Summer Retreat
June 5-7, 2020
Intrigued...in a healthy way
SLAA Fellowship Game Night
Coming up this summer- stay tuned for more details
Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Meeting Minutes
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Attendance
Vince: Chair RFG
Anthony: Treasurer KCBG
William: IG Rep Sunday Evanston
Verne: Inreach/IG Rep Rise And Shine
Travis: RFG
Francis: Co-Editor Newsletter Rise And Shine
Christie: Website Facilitator RFG
Barney: IG Rep Evanst. 12 & 12, Sat.am
Caitlyn: Co-Editor Newsletter RFG
Hannah K: RFG
Kristin: IG Rep Milwaukee
Dave SC: IG Rep Beverly
Chase: Vice-Treasurer/IG Rep RFG
Hannah C: IG Rep RFG
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Twelfth Tradition Lead: Vince
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Chairperson Report
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Motion to approve March meeting minutes, with changes to be made: Y - 11, N -
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0, A -1 Motion passed November & December minutes still to be approved. By-law Committee Report: the committee met and another meeting is scheduled so that by next month IG may vote to approve newly written By-laws, which can then be posted to GCMSIG website for a three-month period after which there will be a final vote on their approval.
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IG Service Position Role Description Committee Report: working to standardize language used to describe IG role-tasks. Another committee meeting is scheduled to finalize a document so that upcoming IG meetings can view and potentially approve.
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Google Drive Demo Committee: the “workshop” educating IG members on accessing the google-drive has been postponed until we can meet in person. All questions about using the google-drive may be posed to Vince as needed.
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Chair addressed future e-mails to IG members: please respond more quickly for approval/suggestions.
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Website Facilitation Report
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The website has been kept up to date on meeting changes.
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Phone numbers issue - We have been planning to open two: one for outreach, new members or therapists looking for information; and one for fellowship members seeking info about retreats, workshops, payments. The language distinguishing these two phone lines needs to be clarified. Discussion, and suggestion made that we keep only one phone line, for now, because our outgoing message on our “machine” indicates only one phone line. This was accepted.
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Treasurer’s Report
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Formal Treasurer’s Report not finished as of today, Chase & Anthony are working on creating a comprehensive report. We have roughly $6500 in the bank account.
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Report on how most of our budget goes to covering Annual Business Meeting costs. Now that the ABM has been cancelled, or perhaps will be moved to an on-line format, there is an abundance of funds in our treasury, despite reduced giving from groups and individuals. When the Treasurer’s report comes out we’ll see who are the groups and individuals donating to IG.
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Inreach Report
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Newsletter
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2 articles ready, 2 on their way. A draft Newsletter will be out this week for approval.
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Summer Retreat update: Vince has been meeting with Hannah C to coordinate, plan and organize the retreat. A budget is set to be presented by next IG meeting. The retreat center in Dekovan has received our $800 deposit.
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Back-to-Basics Workshop update: the need is there - working with others to show that working the steps is possible and doing it with a sponsor is easier. William is looking for a co-chair to work with, but as of now the workshop is on hold.
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This B-2-B workshop could lead to a Sponsorship Workshop, but there’s no chairperson for this yet.
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Vince encouraged reps to ask fellows in recovery in our meetings about the usefulness of something like these workshops. Our research has indicated some of us have had trouble finding sponsors; and a B-2-B workshop could motivate sponsorship. ❏ William discussed a B-2-B workshop he attended from the past, an all-S event where varieties of literature were used. Of around 75 people, over 50 seemed to be newcomers! The workshop was a great introduction to the steps.
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Several IG attendees supported the value of these planned workshops.
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Hannah raised concern about newcomers/recovering SLAA’ers inspired by these workshops to seek sponsorship BUT would there be enough sponsors to meet the need? Anthony addressed his sense of the workshop’s motivation being about carrying the message (inspired by AA).
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Committee on Meditation Meetings (Verne, Caitlyn, Kristin) has been doing work to set up 8:30am/pm meetings. Finding literature, hosts, format (Zoom?). Will report back soon. Committee meets Sunday evenings.
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ABM Report: (Anthony) More info to come next IG meeting.
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Outreach Report
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Reaching out to treatment centers: Vince was notified by Kelly about treatment center in Naperville requesting an SLAA representative to speak of present info to their clients. Vince will come up with a plan to address request, consulting with IG officers.
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Francis offered to speak/present via video or in person. Vince will look into logistics to accomplish this project. A member clarified how the treatment center’s motivation is to get someone from SLAA to share their experience, strength and hope for 30 minutes on how SLAA has worked for them. The meeting would be facilitated by a staff member: like doing a lead, then 30 minutes for questions. They have historically hosted 12-step meetings, aligned with AA traditions.
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New Business
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None
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Meeting Representative Announcements
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Encourage IG donations via Venmo (@Augustine-fellowship)
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Encourage members looking to do service to attend IG meeting.
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Send out submissions to Newsletter
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Treasury Report
04/15/20-05/14/20
Starting Balance April 15, 2020 $5,933.98
Total Intergroup Group/Individual Donations +$309.00
Total Expenses $114.00
Acct. Current Balance (5/14/20) Act. $6,188.98
*The full treasury report is available through your Group Intergroup Representative or by request to: mailroom@slaachicago.org.
SLAA Online Text-Only Chat
Those who need an additional resource in their SLAA recovery are invited to SLAA Online text-only chat recovery fellowship. Find more information by visiting the SLAA website, slaaonline.org, or by emailing slaaonline@yahoo.com.
Contribute to West Chicago Intergroup Newsletter
Our friends in the West Chicago Intergroup invite members to contribute to their newsletter to share their experience, strength, and hope. According to Mark K., "Writing an article for our newsletter is one way you can serve yourself and others." For more information, email pcomind@gmail.com or visit the West Chicago Intergroup website.
Contribute to the Fellowship-Wide Newsletter: Journal
The Journal is SLAA’s fellowship-wide newsletter, which goes out to fellows around the world.
The Journal seeks submissions for the “Question of the Day” for upcoming issues (deadline):
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September/October: "Tools for No Contact" Have you ever gotten through the pain of a no contact rule to come to some new revelation about yourself, clarity, peace, or mindfulness? Please share any tools that make no contact easier. (July 15)
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November/December: "Reconciliation" Please share your experience, strength, and hope around reconciliation. How do you deal with expectations and “lay an entirely new foundation for cooperation, trust and inti- macy?” (Sept. 15)
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January/February: "Anonymity" Do you feel different about anonymity than when you first got here? Please share your experience, strength, and hope around breaking your anonymity to help another or any experiences around anonymity that have helped you grow in recovery. (Nov. 15)
Submit responses or other contributions to www.slaafws.org/journalsubmit.
To subscribe to the Journal or read the current issue, please click here.
Thank you for reading!
Coming in June: "Managing Change"
We invite you to share your experience, strength, and hope.
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission"