What do you Know?

Verne N.

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     Recently, during a get-together with sponsees who are all struggling with the project of dating and building healthy relationships - and with the holiday season approaching - some challenges came up in discussion. Noticing the motivation of one of us, I thought of my 4th, 5th, and 6th step work on resentments. I told him that it sounded like he was thinking what I often get stuck on in my head: “I’m missing out; they’re ignoring me! They don’t care about me or what I want!!” And I talked about a message I received from meditation this morning that seemed relevant:  “Let go, and let God.” Because all the resentful criticism we take up when in conflict with others, it can ripple out across the universe and back through ourselves, poisoning our attitude. Perhaps, I suggested, it’s better to navigate away from the old, addictive pattern of hating and distancing ourselves from others when there’s a difference or conflict. I felt inspired. 

     And as we continued to talk it seemed like the problem arose from a different angle: when we open up to others we can feel shaken, scared, and vulnerable. It struck me, and I talked about how that feeling of weakness and insecurity may be a necessary part of recovering from an addiction that isolates us from others with whom we can be close. And I thought about my sponsor’s dating suggestion that helped me meet my soon-to-be wife: have fun! I learned through the process of going through my 9th step work with my sponsor that if I could focus on the experience of having fun during dating, my compulsive judging and harsh criticism would short-circuit. But then my seductive tendencies would flare up! I recalled how this was remedied through developing in sponsorship, and committing to execute, a clear dating plan that limited sexual contact and left much more room for me to get to know my dating partner while paying attention to whether or not I was having fun. I told my sponsees about how much effortful concentration it took me to create relational space outside of my addictive patterns of sexualizing or idealizing and ultimately resenting my romantic partner, and so many friends, for not fulfilling my fantasies and expectations. And, of course, this is straight out of the Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction we read almost every SLAA meeting we attend. And it seemed clear to me that helping my sponsees with dating was focussing me on how my character defects interfere with friendships and family relations. So, maybe my recovery work is the best thing I can do to make holiday time more enjoyable. What do you know!? 

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Dealing with the Holidays

Bruce P.

     I have been in the program a long time and that means I’ve dealt with “the Holidays” many times. I have to say that they have less of an impact on me now than a few 24 hours ago, but I still feel their sting! Their impact is intensified now with the COVID-19 pandemic.

From the end of November to the start of the new year I have Thanksgiving, my AA anniversary, my birthday, my son’s birthday, Christmas and New Years. In the past, I have found myself acting out on some of my worst bottom-line behaviors during or just before this period. The “just before” I think was anticipation (dread) of what was coming.

     These are also supposed to be uplifting events, but, in fact, they can be real pressure cookers. The holidays may mean getting together with family that seems, or is, totally dysfunctional, combative or just plain judgmental. They may mean expectations we have of ourselves – and others probably do too – that we get appropriate gifts, act in a certain way, be “joyous” (not necessarily recovery-oriented “happy, joyous and free”), or that we face the challenge of just showing up. Saying “no” can be extremely difficult and put a lot of pressure on us when it means not spending that “special” Thanksgiving or Christmas with our family. Or we may be trapped if we live with the ones we dread. 

     With the social distancing and orders not to travel, “the holidays” this year mean if you do want to spend time with family, friends and loved ones, you may not be able to. Or saying “no” may be even more difficult since Zoom means you don’t have travel restrictions and expectations may rise. That presents an entirely new set of circumstances and pressures. Many are finding the Zoom culture difficult to deal with and are itching to make contact with actual, live human beings. The brief respite we had before the recent resurgence of COVID did little but wet our appetite for more human contact.

     Personally, I just get plain jittery. The COVID isolation has not bothered me that much. But I don’t want to do any of the stuff that goes along with “the holidays” with or without COVID. I don’t necessarily believe in all of "the holidays." I never know what to buy people for gifts or what to give them on other social occasions. I’m glad to have another year of sobriety, but I’m just happy to get some appreciation from other program members. People outside the program (read “my family”) don’t usually know what that means, don’t care, or don’t say appropriate things about it. I’m better now, but for decades I couldn’t get started on Christmas until after my birthday, which is just 9 days earlier. The pressure was immense. And my son’s birthday – he lives with us – is a few days after mine.

     What did I do? I implemented the three A’s: Awareness, Acceptance and Action. First, I recognized the problem. I became Aware of it. I heard others in the program talk about how “not great” “the holidays” were for them. I began to realize that I dreaded them too. I began to see their cause and effect with my acting out behavior. The same goes for COVID. We can become aware of our resentment (or fear) of the COVID pandemic and of protective measures as well. Second, I came to Accept that I am powerless over “the holidays,” with or without COVID. They are going to come, year in and year out, whether I like it or not, whether I’m sober or not, whether I do anything about it or not. And the same applies to the social restrictions we face; the pandemic is here whether we like it or not. I have to accept that these are the conditions I face and that is a fact of life.

     Third comes Action. When faced with “the holidays” or any other stressor (like the pandemic), I intensify my program! I am powerless, not helpless. We have meetings, the steps, the literature, our slogans (e.g., Let Go and Let God), and (of course) the 500-pound phone we use to so willingly call other people in the program. If I’m lucky, some of those program folks will get on Zoom with me. In short, I do more of the things I have been trained (suggested) to do. I go to more meetings (all on Zoom). I make sure that I am visible on video so others can see me and I prefer when others do the same, although that is their choice. I feel more connected when I can see others, their faces, their emotions. Also, Zoom means you can attend meetings anywhere, opening up hundreds of meetings all over the country that weren’t available before the pandemic.

     The Steps! I work the Step that is before me. Is it the 4th Step where I inventory resentments, fears and sex conduct? Is it the 8th Step where I list (with my sponsor) all those people I might run into during “the holidays” whom I have harmed and become willing to make amends to them? Is it the 9th Step where I actually might have an opportunity during or before the event to make amends and clear up the past? Again, some amends can be made over Zoom or similar video-conferencing software. Is it Steps 6 or 7 where I become willing to have my shortcomings removed and ask God to do so? What about Step 12 where I am of service? Maybe I ought to check with my sponsees! I definitely pray and meditate more (Step 11).

     I have also written essays on my family of origin, my family at home and other topics. These are in-depth looks at the difficulties I face, what they affect in me, my motives, how I’ve stepped on others’ toes, and generally what my role has been. I start with free-form, stream of consciousness writing and focus on the topic and see where it takes me. I have found these to be extremely revealing and helpful. What better time to write than during “the holidays?” If the pandemic is especially oppressive, what better way to deal with it than by writing all your deepest feelings about it down on paper and possibly sharing your gut reactions with another program member you respect and trust?

     So there is a lot we can do. And over the years, I have. As a result, “the holidays” have lost a lot of their potency, but it has taken time and effort and a lot of trial and error. I am still aware of “the holidays” and I still intensify my program during this part of the year. November, December and January are going to come every year. This year, so is the COVID crisis. But the program is an “inside job.” I have to adapt how I work my program to the reality life presents. So that’s what I do to deal with “the holidays,” even in the era of COVID-19.