9th Step Amends

When I embarked on my journey with Step 9 with hesitancy my sponsor reminded me,

“Nelly THIS is where the magic happens.” The Promises, the miracles, and the paycheck of

working for God comes to fruition with this very Step. This is where I finally get right with others.

With God’s help and discernment, I was able to see where I began and another human-being

started. As the Big Book states on p. 83, “We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and

humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone. ”

I finally took responsibility and owned up for my part. I took action and invited God into

the interaction. Facing others with humility and unconditional love allowed me to demystify the people that I had hurt or had hurt me. This is the Step where I learned that when I show up, God surprises me. Step 9 helps me every day to remain accountable, heal relationships, and restore balance in the universe for the wrongs I’ve done and continue to do. Step 9 has gifted me with a God-consciousness to discern between when I’m acting from self-will versus God’s Will.

“The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it…. Our behavior will convince them more

than our words” (BB p. 83). The Steps and this spiritual lifestyle are how I continue to make

living amends to myself, to God, and to my fellow humans.

- Nelly W.

Living Differently

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I am a sex and love addict. 100% powerless over porn, over hookups, cheating, all of the above. So it’s no wonder that I have had destructive patterns in my relationships. But honestly I thought the majority of those were based in my sex addiction; it took years of program for me to understand how powerful my love addiction is as well. Both of those come to play in this story.

This is how I made amends with my wife.

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Our relationship started with obsessive sex characterized by power and lust, and constant texting. I usually thought of her as needy but looking back, I was equally needy and dependent. Essentially I was ALWAYS HIGH. I got huge hits of my drug (because I was using her like a drug) during sex, professing our love, and also in overly intense fights. Because I was always high off of this enmeshment, the groundwork was laid for disaster. 

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The predictable disaster was an affair. While working out of town for a summer, I cheated on my now wife with another actor. Thank God I could find another source of the drug I was fully dependent on! Every night I would process love to my partner, say goodnight, then have illicit, secretive sex with a coworker. Of course the truth came out, as it always does. After two months of secrets and lies, the deeply harmful truth found its way to my partner. She was devastated. I was numb.

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In spite of all logic and suggestions from my sponsor, we stayed together. I just lost one source of the drug and couldn’t imagine giving up another. But, as I dragged my emotionally and spiritually bankrupt self back into the program, there were suggestions that I did say yes to. I was out of options and finally willing to admit that my way didn’t work. Extreme pain and fear finally produced willingness.

The first suggestion I got was to stop having sex with my partner. Honestly this wasn’t on the table at the time anyway due to the extreme betrayal and lack of trust. I was angry and defeated. I said yes.(This phase of having no sex lasted much longer than anticipated, but it blessed us immensely in the long run.)

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The next suggestion was to spend less time together and more time with fellows. It was so painful to even have one or two days per week away from her given our level of emotional enmeshment. I fought this suggestion at first, on a crusade of “my sponsor is against the idea of me being happy in a relationship.” (This is laughable now. My sponsor is against my disease which created that sick bubble around us in the first place.) After fighting, I said yes.

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The next major suggestion came 14 months later. I was suggested, as some of the sick cycles in my relationship continued, to take two months away from my partner. My sponsor was insistent that on many levels I hadn’t truly gone through withdrawal. He said I needed the time alone to fully detox, to find myself, and to find clarity on some of the big questions. After all, my emotional enmeshment was still strong enough that I didn’t know if I wanted to marry this woman or not! That in itself was causing harm and wasting her time. Along with this suggestion to 60 days of no contact was a suggestion to go off all drugs and alcohol. Again, there was some fighting and lots of prayer, but I said yes. 

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Those two months were some of the most spiritually powerful of my life. I discovered a new intimacy with myself and my higher power. I discovered that my life is full with or without a partner, that I have all the love and acceptance I need. And I finally got clear that my higher power is leading me to be with this woman intentionally and move toward marriage. 

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The first two revelations were very welcomed and beautiful; the last one scared the heck out of me. It meant that I needed to show up differently. It meant working through the remaining piles of distrust and pain alongside this woman. It meant an amend was coming. 

The end of the 60 day break was filled with fantasy for me of a dramatic reunion and possibly a proposal. The reality was incredibly different and involved so much continued space. After extensive work of inventory and writing with my sponsor, there were three sessions of making amends, each with a week of no-contact space in between so we could process and pray and continue to live our lives. Each session had a strict time boundary, occurred in a public space, and involved zero physical contact (this was a strong sponsor suggestion, knowing that my disease would use physical contact to soften blows or sexualize the pain/honesty). Every second was uncomfortable yet filled with purpose.

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The first week, I shared what I prepared. There were a lot of harms. An overwhelming amount. Some of these she knew about ahead of time and some of them she was hearing about for the very first time. I was shaking throughout but was immediately feeling relief. FINALLY, she was getting to know the man she’s been with. She was leveled. She described me in my disease as a bulldozer desomating her life and expecting her to pick up the pieces. I was finally hearing the truth and starting to let it in.

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The following week I heard her full response. My sponsor told me my job was to listen, to not get defensive, and to refrain from touching her. This seemed simple enough but was extremely difficult. Nonetheless, as I sat with her pain, the pain my disease caused, I saw her more clearly than ever. My disease kills empathy and this process was finally bringing some of it back.

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The third week was a discussion of sober dating. I needed to share the suggested outline from my sponsor but from a perspective of “this is what I’ve prayed about and it’s what I need” and to get her thoughts. The plan only ever went four weeks at a time. The first four weeks consisted of  one date per week (with a time limit of 2 hours) and one phone call (with a time limit of 30 minutes). I hated this plan so much. Every fiber of my being wanted to resume the obsessive and constant contact we used to have. But we needed a new basis - the old one didn’t work. This basis forced me to have a full life outside my relationship and it forced me to rely on God.

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This was the living amend: showing up differently, lovingly, and intentionally. In this time of slow and sober dating, which I now consider to be precious, I learned so much about my partner (who is now my wife) and about myself. I learned how to fully rely on fellows and my higher power by setting up bookend calls for dates and phone calls, knowing that they would likely activate my sex addiction or love addiction. And with minimal physical contact, I learned how to love selflessly and truly care about the human I was with. 

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Eventually, and definitely not on my timeline, this led to proposal and marriage. The amends and living amends and the concept of “slowly but surely” made this possible. Today we are happily married, we continue the culture of open sharing and have created a system of sharing about things that affect my sobriety, and we have a healthy and active sex life (after what ended up being two years of no sex - truly unthinkable for me in the past!). We are on a stable footing because I am finally relying on God rather than my partner. This stability is unsettling to this day; I’m not used to being a part of a healthy relationship. But I’m deeply grateful for it and for the simple program of action that’s made it possible. 

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The promises don’t stop there, so I’ll keep coming back. Peace and love. 

-Trevor V.

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Hello, fellow members of Sex and Love Addicts:

I am Sam L. (this is not the real name of this SLAA member to protect the anonymity of all members’ names), a sex and love addict.

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“Last July 2022, I was doing what comes naturally, swiping through the pages of my art portfolio to review its pages with a fellow SLAA member, Brad T. When I came across the beautiful face of a particular woman, I paused before moving along through the rest of the drawing pad. When the fellowship was over, I left without thinking further about it.

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“Yet, a couple days later, I was having a conversation over the phone with another SLAA member, George S., who was also my SLAA sponsor. George S. told me, “Sam, as your sponsor, I have to relay an important message to you from Brad.

“Sometimes, we show what appears innocent media which under other circumstances is quite triggering of a fellow SLAA member’s sensitivities, making them uncomfortable and prone to acting out behavior. It is then time to make amends, when to do so doesn’t do more harm than good.”  “What are the steps to do this?” I asked George.

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“You take the person aside to speak to him in private,” George responded, “This is the ninth step in the 12 steps which is making amends to a person whom we had harmed. “We are admitting the harm we have caused, that we recognize that it is a pattern of behavior to be corrected and you are willing to correct it in the present and in the future. “You then ask him how the amends made him feel about what you told him.”

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That Thursday after the evening 12-Step meeting, I asked Brad to let me speak privately with him.

“Hello, Brad, I want to formally apologize for showing you the questionable picture of a woman that you recognized as a known porn star. I realize now that I made you uncomfortable with this irresponsible behavior and such pictures have no place in a 12-Step meeting. I am sorry for the harm I have caused and that I promise such behavior won’t happen again. I will not display my suggestive art in the future, even if it appears innocent. Please forgive me.

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“My behavior is a character defect and is a pattern of my behavior. I have mentally justified such behavior, saying that I am just being honest with others and transparent about who I am as a whole person. Yet, I realize now that what I was doing was a defect of character devoid of tact. I have to be more thoughtful of my audience in the future and not repeat such behavior.

“I have been confronted before when I was displaying my artwork at work last year at my setting in Mariano’s. At that time, I displayed a nude subject to my coworkers. I was called out by a nameless employee and was warned that I could not show pictures on my iPhone in the workplace in the future. I was asked further to write an apology at that time, acknowledging that I realized that I had disturbed others, although I meant no harm to anyone in the store. Now, I have learned my lesson this time.”

“How does my current admission make you feel?”

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Brad then accepted my amends to him, “Thanks Sam. I was a little uncomfortable when you displayed that particular picture. I realize that you didn’t know that your subject in the drawing was a famous porn star and you had no intent to display the suggestive content to me. I am grateful for your recognition of the harm that you caused and realize your recognition of the discomfort you had caused me. Thank you, Sam.”

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That night a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt a large white light descend and enter my chest. A cool radiating ball of light enveloped my body, a feeling of enlightened energy suffused my soul. My inner soul was enlivened and my inner being felt lifted above to the higher realms of the spiritual world.

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Other balls of light surrounded my own ball of light. I felt their thoughts of the spirit call to me, comfort me with their messages of strength and hope concerning promises of continued emotional and spiritual growth. As I returned to this current reality, I had a renewed sense of comfort and support for a fascinating spiritual awakening in my developing future. While I knew that there would be eventual setbacks, I accepted the emotional and spiritual experience coming forward as my Higher Power’s gift of growth.

I was prepared for the inevitable steps of progress, not perfection.

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Allen M.© Sep 2, 2022

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