October - Recovery and Retreat

The SLAA summer retreat was held on a beautiful long weekend in September. It was on the shores of Lake Michigan in Racine Wisconsin. We were blessed with sunny days for walks and cool nights for campfires. I knew many people before the retreat but you don't really know people until you spend 4 days with them. There were daily leads, breakout groups and time for sharing. Each day was filled with tears, learning and laughs. 

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  As a sex and love addict having a healthy relationship with other people is exciting, freightening, and challenging. This weekend gave me an opportunity to practice having healthy interactions with men and women from all over Chicagoland. Being vulnerable with another person takes trust, and the time we spent together helped me bring my guard down and let others in.

Andre W.

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 Artwork from the 2022 SLAA Summer Retreat Vision Board workshop

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RIGHTING WRONGS

~D.L.

This summer I was asked to do a lead at the SLAA retreat on a reading from the big book. I was very hesitant and almost declined because of my fear of public speaking, but after a lot of prayer and my sponsor’s encouragement I committed to be of service. I nervously gave my lead without incident and was both surprised and grateful for the support I received from my fellows. I also had a wonderful time at the retreat, reconnecting with some folks I’ve not seen in years. So when a fellow asked me to submit to the newsletter some of what I shared at the retreat, I gladly accepted. I hope this is of benefit to someone out there and as they say, “take what you need and leave the rest”.

Before I dig into my experience working the steps I’d like to share a little bit about me. I’m a 44-year-old woman, divorced, one teen daughter and working in the healthcare field. I identify as a sex and love addict and compulsive overeater. I started working the steps in SLAA with a sponsor a little over 4 years ago and on October 30, 2022 I’ll have been 4 years off of my bottom lines. Some of those harmful behaviors I use to participate in are anonymous sex, sex outside a committed relationship, stalking online and in-person, sex with men. I don’t like, emotional intrigue, abruptly ending relationships and compulsive masturbation. My program includes 2 meetings a week, service at those meetings, regular outreach calls, weekly sponsor meetings, weekly sponsee meetings and my morning and nightly review/meditation/prayer.

Steps 8 and 9 have been life changing for me in my journey toward more empathy, self-compassion, acceptance, and love with the help of my HP. Below is the reading I was asked to speak on from the AA big book. I’ll then discuss how I worked each step and wrap up with the gifts of these steps. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. (Big Book page 76)

My step 8 was composed of 4 parts:

1.) Getting clear on the harms: this required that I understand the true definition of being harmful. Some examples for me were exploitation, manipulation, convincing others to do things they didn’t want to do, false promises, being critical, judgmental, gossiping, argumentative,

controlling, vengeful, mean, and neglectful by not “showing up” to important events.

2.) Writing a list of those harmed: I wrote out a list of approximately 200 people who I thought I had hurt. With the help of my sponsor I learned that about 25% of those people I had not actually harmed. I learned that just because I remained angry at someone and had negative thoughts about them, doesn’t mean that I have harmed them.

3.) Writing amends letters: Using a template given by my sponsor I wrote out the specific harmful action and grouped them by defect or pattern. I do not say I’m sorry or apologize. I say, “ I was wrong to…’

Examples:

I was wrong to have violated your privacy, specifically I:

-Gossiped with others about our relationship

-Looked through your cell phone and email without your knowledge

I was also dishonest with you, specifically I:

-set unrealistic expectations for your time and attention and reacted with anger when you

couldn’t meet all of my needs (which no person can do)

-I stayed in the relationship under false pretenses- entertainment, sex, financial and emotional support and did not give you the love and affection you deserved

- I told you I loved you, even though I did not, to get you to stay with me

Many of the harms l listed in my letters were not read to an individual as this would have caused more harm. For example, letting someone know that I gossiped about them without their knowledge is harmful, therefore that harm is not mentioned when giving the amends. 

 The next part of the amends letter is to ask the person “How can I make this right?” and “Did I leave anything out?”. So far I’ve done about 15 amends and these two questions have been the most difficult to ask. Making myself vulnerable in this way to someone who I’ve harmed is scary and requires a lot of prayer and courage.I then explain to the person harmed that I plan on changing my behavior. An example is, “Going forward I will continue to work on myself and seek recovery in 12 step and therapy. I will accept others as they are and avoid trying to change them. I will take responsibility for my emotions and not make them someone else’s problem.”

I end my amends letter with a statement about what I enjoyed, admired, or learned from the other person. This is the time where I say thanks. The statement I made to my mother went like this: “I am very grateful for having you as my mother. I have always looked up to you and your confidence, sophistication, and kindness. You taught me to be assertive, strong, kind, and resilient. You taught me that I could do anything I put my mind to and that nothing is out of reach if I really want something. I appreciate you being there for me to help through difficult times and knowing that I can turn to my mother when I need. I love you very much.

4). Willingness to communicate everything I had written down:

This part is particularly tough when there was a history of abuse involved. I worked with my therapist to identify those people who I should not do a face-to-face amends with. For those folks I kept the focus on my own behavior, no matter how small, and did my amends on my knees with my HP. Other amends that I could not do 1:1 were done with a surrogate or outside in nature.

Step 9 is where I contacted those I had harmed and scheduled an to deliver the amends. I am reminded to be upfront about why I am contacting the person, considerate and respectful of their time and to communicate in the most direct way possible. I contact people by phone, social media, email, and regular mail. Since starting the amends process I’ve completed most of my family members, long-time friend, my ex-husband and three ex boyfriends. When delivering an amends, I try to avoid focusing on the outcome, being cognizant that this is not a time for rekindling the relationship. I try to humble myself before the person knowing that no matter what their response, HP loves me and has my back. I pray before, during and after, bookending the conversation and then celebrate when the amends is complete. This step has been both very challenging and rewarding. Following the principle of love by being empathetic, compassionate and in the spirit of being in service to others has kept me focused and motivated to continue to process. When I get down on myself or it feels like too much, I am reminded that perfection is not expected, and I can return to step 8/9 later. Overall steps 8 and 9 have brought me in closer contact with my HP and cleared the way for healing in many of my relationships. I feel most days in acceptance, serenity and with the peace of mind that I’m trudging the road of happy destiny.

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