The Gifts of the Fifth Step in My Life

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I’ve worked multiple fifth steps with my sponsor in SLAA. By the time I started working with him, I had already done an exhaustive combined fourth step inventory of over 500 items–resentments, fears, crushes, obsessions, sexual encounters–that I had raced to get through. But I had never done an exhaustive, slow-paced fifth step to confront discomfort and shame.

My sponsor was helping me sift through my more limited resentment inventory–100 items–and we were going painfully slowly, for my standards, at least. He seemed to be playing devil’s advocate: “Are you sure that was your part?” It felt annoying at the time, but I understand now that he was being a great sponsor and helping me dig deeper into “the exact nature of [my] wrongs.”

We argued a good amount, and we ended up getting through a big chunk of my fourth step inventory a lot faster than he expected because we both realized I needed to work on my character defects, rather than belabor our quarrels about what was or wasn’t my part. When I got my list of defects, it was clear that I was “an egomaniac with an inferiority complex,” as I’ve heard it said in SLAA: full of knowledge and wisdom, I thought, but also self-loathing and self-pity. I felt like I was both everything and nothing, as my therapist said, reading my list.

So, it’s not that the inventory and the list of character defects themselves got me closer to my Higher Power; it was more the aftermath of the process that helped me align my will with my Higher Power’s will for me. This is to say that steps six and seven were crucial in working on contrary action to go against my self-destructive patterns, including acting out, as well as patterns of self-righteousness, arrogance, and my constant need for validation.

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That said, I obviously couldn’t have gotten to this process without the work I did on step five. I don’t think I was ready to look the world in the eye because of a deep analysis of myself, at least on my own. It was working with my sponsor and gaining self-awareness about my defects and negative patterns–as opposed to self-consciousness, which I’ve always had–that helped me lose some of my shame about my past and my addictive patterns and get closer to my Higher Power.

Recently, I did my first comprehensive fourth and fifth step work in this Program since 2017. I’ve done mini-inventories with my sponsor, but this time around, the process was substantially different as to not be comparable to my earlier work. Not only did the process go much more quickly with my sponsor–I think he would say I’ve gained better insight into my own patterns over time, so we didn’t bicker at all–but my resultant list of character defects was much easier to discern because there was just one defect, with many different manifestations and types: unrealistic expectations.

Part of how I use this recent fifth step to “look the world in the eye” and better access my Higher Power is to check in with my sponsor about my expectations to help right-size them, as well as to pray and use other top line behaviors like walking and exercising; reading Program literature; listening to positive music; maintaining self-care; and, most importantly, service, including in my line of professional work.

Of course, my sponsor is not my Higher Power, but through fifth step work, he has gotten to know me better than most people have. Like many, I’ve had my suspicions about the steps making logical sense, but I’ve realized over time that this magical process (MAGIC = Me Accepting God’s In Charge) works for me regardless of any logic, and that’s all that matters.

The idea of “it works if you work it” in especially the fifth step has resulted in major shifts in my life. People at my work and in my family say I’m easier to get along with, I care more about others, I don’t take things as personally, and I’m eager to grow and improve. Today I can look the world in the eye, without reservation, and say that these steps have hopefully made me a better person who is more teachable and interested in helping others flourish and succeed–as well as better at self-care. I thank my Higher Power for SLAA and the gifts of the fifth step!

-Anonymous

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       Double Winner

        Firstly, SLAA is not the only twelve-step program of which I’m a member. I’m also a member of Alcoholics Anonymous since May 2003, and over those years I’ve worked the steps with a sponsor, which has included a handful of fourth and fifth steps. I can also share my experience that working the steps in one program does not necessarily serve as progress in another program. For many years I treated my sex and love addiction as a sixth-step issue when in reality it was a more consequential addiction of its own. As a good friend and fellow of both AA and what I call the S-program (anyone working the twelve steps in SCA, SLAA, SAA, or SA) said: The credits don’t transfer. Much could be written about this—how someone in recovery navigates two programs concurrently—and those of you who share my experience of being active in multiple twelve-step recovery programs, I imagine, understand this. As this is my experience I can share most specifically with those of us known colloquially (in Al-Anon) as Double Winners.

       Of all of the fourth and fifth steps I’ve done over the years, I can share that they look remarkably similar. In my experience, I have learned that I am fundamentally the same person, and the changes I’ve made have been expressed through changes in my actions. After at least fifteen years in the S-program, which primarily consisted of attending meetings and talking with other sex and love addicts, I finally began work with a sponsor in SLAA, specifically, when my life became so unmanageable, when I became willing to go to any lengths to relieve the consequences caused by my sex and love addiction. I finally began to work the twelve steps, in order, with a sponsor, with the humility and desperation of a newcomer.

        Of course, I didn’t do it perfectly and have taken back my will repeatedly—as this relates to my sex and love addiction, I am a chronic relapser—resulting in the exact same demoralization. However, I have made significant progress from working the steps specifically around my sex and love addiction, including having recently finished my first fourth and fifth step, again, specifically looking at the consequences from my sex and love addiction. And again, these fourth and fifth steps look remarkably similar. Let’s see, there’s…. unrealistic expectations of others in my relationships….lacks empathy for others whose experience or pain is similar to mine….I judge others especially when I’m envious of them….I poke, provoke, needle, pick at others in effort to control….and it goes on.

        Following the instructions of my sponsor, I wrote out a thorough and detailed fourth step, concentrating on the fourth column, which is my part. And as we discussed this fourth column in the fourth step, my sponsor was focussed on summarizing and distilling my parts in my actions, thoughts, and beliefs. This is why it’s of such importance to do this with another sex and love addict. Ultimately, it’s a data-driven exercise, part of an inventory of my characters assets and defects. What I didn’t see coming was that my sponsor was careful to use my own words. As I’ve said, I’ve seen these before in other fourths and fifths so I’m not really surprised. And yet….I am. Really? I do that? (Yes.) I’ve also discovered that I often slide back into a comfortable minimizing. And this is where I’ve found this particular fifth step so helpful. These are my own words, describing how I see the world and interact with those around me. My sponsor didn’t paraphrase. His judgment is not worked into this. As I reflect on our time together in the fifth step, he would often ask: “So would you say that you x, y, z?”

“Yes, that’s it.”

Or…

“No, it was more like p, d, q.”

        In the end, these were my words, my descriptions, from a deep dive into my thinking, beliefs, feelings, and rationalizations driving my behavior and actions often resulting in harms to me and those whom I love the most. So here’s the road map for my next moves in six. Already, I’ve begun minimizing unconsciously. Wait, did I say that?

Uh, yep. I did.

Right there.

-Anonymous

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