Reflections on the Eighth Step

Bruce P.

          “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” In Steps 4 and 5 we look at and begin to clean up ourselves through inventory and sharing every nook and cranny of our lives with another addict. In Steps 6 and 7 we deepen that by becoming willing to have our character defects removed and asking our Higher Power to remove them. Each step is aimed at ego-deflation in depth, which is the development of humility. Humility is the spiritual foundation of all our steps.

          In Step 8 we begin to get ready to get right with the world, with society, with our friends and, most importantly, with our families. Step 8 is a major Sponsor step. It is also a major God step through prayer and meditation. And, it is a major inventory step.

In Step 4 of Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the AA 12 and 12) is my favorite paragraph. It reads: But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much….

          In Step 4, we reconciled ourselves to these shortcomings. Now, we are going to do our best to reconcile our relationships with others. We are working to establish real, mature, sober – dare I say – almost “normal” relationships with others. We have our list from Step 4: resentments, fears and sex conduct. We start with that and then add anyone else we harmed emotionally, financially, physically or “socially.” By socially, I mean, have we bad-mouthed someone or put them down to the detriment of their social standing? The classic case of people we have harmed without resentment, fear or sex conduct being involved is the case of a stick-up person who harmed people, but didn’t necessarily resent or fear them or interact sexually with them. 

          Whomever we harmed in any way, we add them to our list. The important point is that it be a full and honest list. Here, as in all steps, it is important to stay in the present and focus on the step we are on, in this case Step 8. If we begin to worry about future steps, we might be less fearless. “I’m sure I never want to make amends to that person!” That’s Step 9. We’re not making amends in Step 8, at this point we’re just listing all the persons we have harmed. My technique at this point is to use a 3-column format. Some people just make a list. I need more. In the second column (always working down the column), I write down the harm I have done to the person or institution listed in column one. Then, with a Sponsor, in column three, I write down what the amend should be. One of the most amazing things about the program for me is the brilliance with which people come up with appropriate ways to make amends. 

         Amends may be direct: face to face, as recommended in the Big Book of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). They may be financial. They may be made by writing letters or, today, by email or an online conferencing program like Skype or Zoom. I know one Sponsee who needed to make amends overseas and used video conferencing to do it. Some amends may be graveside amends to those who have passed away. Some may be indirect amends: donations to charity for a wrong done that cannot be otherwise corrected. Some may be indirect by proxy: we cannot contact the individual concerned, perhaps an old acting-out partner, so we make amends with another member of the program or another trusted person instead, using role-playing to make the sincere amend. We may make living amends, particularly to those we live with: changing our behavior through working the steps and becoming better members of our families. Or we may make service amends by doing service to communities we affected (or whom affected us). I work with veterans and communities of poor and low wealth people for what I’ve done in the past, particularly when I was in the Vietnam war. There are, of course, amends that can never be made or that shouldn’t be made. While we never cross anyone off our own list, our Sponsor may say, “Your amend to this person is to stay out of their life forever,” and cross them off your list. My Sponsor did. 

          It is in this process of going over the amends with our Sponsor that we become willing to make the amends we have listed. After honest consultation with our Sponsor, we won’t list things we aren’t willing to do. We come to see how and why we need to make amends. We see how we can forgive others involved and forgive ourselves. The willingness to make the amends is the very key to the heart of Step 8. Having done these things, we face the reality of our behavior, prepare to apologize and to actually remedy the wrong to the extent possible. While apologies are often not enough, they are an integral part of the amends process. We apologize as well as carrying out other actions to remedy wrongs. We also plan to ask the other person what we’ve missed and what else we need to do. I had one Sponsee who made amends to his wife, but it didn’t work. The problems were not resolved. Instead, he asked her to make a list of wrongs he had done and needed to make amends for. The list was totally different from his own list. He made amends for the things on his wife’s list and repaired and consolidated the love within the relationship. Today, they are fine. Step 9 requires tact, prayer and preparation. We are working to have real, mature and sober relationships. Step 8 is where we begin to learn how to do that with the help of God, our Sponsor and the Twelve Step Program of Recovery.

 

In the Moments

Samantha V.

God is not just

in the moments

of peace

and joy

God is also

in the moment

your coffee cup shatters

fallen to the floor

the sticky sweet

bilge

spattering

the walls, the door

forcing you

to wake up

wipe up

and clean house

God is in

the realization

that you can't

just tidy

this one thing

It's more of a

mess

than you

first thought -

the shattering

just a

wake-up call

opening your eyes

to the whole picture

And God is there

in the moments

where your

fingertips bleed

picking up the pieces,

in the tears

that fall

every time you

slip in

the muck

God is

in the moment

when you

wipe away the tears

set your jaw

against your fears

and keep on

keeping house 

in order

​