November 2023 Intergroup News
BUILDING PARTNERSHIPS
When I came into the rooms of SLAA, I had been living with my partner for 11 years, and cheating on her the entire time. On my own, I could not live without the thrill of constant chase, without the external validation I took from a continuous stream of women who found me attractive enough to sleep with me, and possibly start up a romantic affair, even though I had a girlfriend/fiancée. For years I thought I just needed it, it was like oxygen to me, and if no one understood and I had to hide it all, so be it. Over time, all that secrecy made me feel desperately lonely and misunderstood, and I needed the acting out just to soothe that horrible loneliness. From time to time I would try to stop, get “sober” (a word I used without any real understanding of what it meant), but it never lasted. I felt trapped and insane, I felt that life was unfair. And even the acting out was beginning to fail me… the highs weren’t as good as they used to be, I felt the need for riskier and crazier behaviors just to feel “ok.”
I started attending some SLAA online chat meetings, and somehow within a month of that, the truth came out of my mouth and into my fiancée’s ears. “I’ve been having an affair on-and-off with a woman for 7 years, and sleeping with dozens of others.” It’s difficult to imagine the horror that followed, even though I was there. I couldn’t believe that had come out of my mouth. I’d been living in fear for years, dragging our engagement out as long as I possibly could because I couldn’t bear the thought of standing up in front of our families and friends and letting my partner make vows to someone she really didn’t know. I needed to stop acting out if I were ever going to go through with marriage - which I really didn’t want to do anyway, I was only engaged because that’s what she wanted. I wanted to be Peter Pan - forever a boy, never having grown-up responsibilities or consequences.
That night of my initial disclosure was a nightmare of shock, horror, disbelief, grief. My fiancée was completely devastated, sobbing in pain, and I was utterly terrified of losing her, seeing the consequences of my actions. It was a huge, potent dose of empathy. It hurt so badly to see her hurting - in truth it shocked me into realizing how much I actually did love her, because it was abjectly horrible to see her in so much pain. And to be faced with the fact that I was the cause of that pain. I desperately wanted to comfort her, but how could I? I was her abuser, and now I wanted to console her? It was terrible.
I thank God now for that turning point. The pain and desperation turned out to be exactly what was needed to get me serious about recovery. I begged her to give me a chance to try this SLAA thing. I swore that this SLAA thing would do it, I believed it had power, it sounded exactly like what I needed. And it was. It is.
I applied myself. I got a sponsor as soon as possible, I read the Big Book, I wrote my first step story. I attended a meeting every day for 2 months, and then 5 meetings a week for several more months. I made calls, multiple calls a day, building a network of recovery fellows. I learned from guys with long time sobriety, and I learned from guys who couldn’t get 24 hours. I got a service position, helping with the Newsletter at the intergroup level. I didn’t really feel like I was contributing much, but I showed up. I picked up other service positions - treasurer, chair, room closer, snacks. I prayed every morning, asking God to keep me sober today and praying the 3rd step prayer and Serenity prayer. I prayed every night before bed, “Thank you for keeping me sober today.” At first I didn’t even mean it, but I prayed it anyway. I set alarms to pray several times throughout the day. Calls, calls, calls - calls when I was absolutely desperate and all I wanted was the release of an orgasm, and calls when I was happy and serene. The more calls I made, the more I received. I read the literature. Worked through a long and painful 4th step. Talked to my sponsor often, and did my 5th step with him. I had a CSAT, too - not strictly program but it was a big help for about 2 years of my recovery, enough to be worth mentioning.
My partner began to see change. Little by little, slowly, she began to see a new man emerge. Less selfish. More honest. Kinder, not so defensive. Far, far less angry. Less dependent on her for all my emotional needs, validation, and love. Capable of taking loving action even when I don’t feel loving. Steps 6 & 7 were a serious turning point. The direct knowledge of what my defective patterns are, how they manifest, and why they were ever useful to begin with, really began to change my behavior in remarkable ways. I had never realized how taking things personally, defensiveness, and anger combined to form a riot shield that I brutalized my partner (and others) with to keep them at a “safe” emotional distance. And then I could turn right around and blame that person for not giving me the “love” I needed. Crazytown!
Making amends to my partner took it even further. Getting to the specific harms (and some general ones too - various patterns of unkind, humorless behaviors) with the help of my sponsor, admitting them to my partner and really listening to how they made her feel… just add it to the list of truly invaluable tools in SLAA recovery. She forgave me, and I am doing my best to live out the amends that we both proposed. Number one is: put my program first. It IS the reason I have what I have today. It is how I learn to show up in my relationships, how I learn to love without expectation of reward.
So I put that in my marriage vows. On September 30th, 2023 - 43 months sober from cheating, and 25 months sober from pornography and masturbation - we stood up in front of our families, friends, and about a dozen SLAA fellows, and exchanged vows of marriage. And I was so excited for it. It was the best day of our lives. Program has changed the desires of my heart. My Higher Power has the ability to do so much more than just keep me sober - my God can change my Heart and Mind. And my wife, seeing the tangible effect that the program was having on me, became curious, and found a 12 step fellowship of her own, and I’ve had the joy of watching the steps change her, in ways I never would have hoped for. We found a church community where we feel increasingly at home, just another thing that me-from-10-years-ago would never have believed or imagined. Life is open-ended, larger, and growing. I’m just thrilled to be married, to be forgiven, to be changed, and to be on the path. I still have far to go - many amends yet to make, much to learn about sponsorship, stubborn character defects and fear that cling tight. But this is my Way. I found what I was looking for. It’s uncomfortable, not always convenient, hard on the Ego. But SLAA has allowed me to have true Joy in my life, deep Gratitude for every breath I draw, and one day at a time, it’s helping me to know what Love really is.
-Anonymous member of SLAA
Announcements
The Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Meeting has a new location
Saturday, December 16th, 2023 8:00am – 9:15 am (Recurring every 3rd Saturday of each month.)
In Person and Zoom (Hybrid).
New Location: 3326 N. Ashland, Chicago IL 60657
There is parking at the Target on the Northwest corner of School and Ashland. You must park in an upper level of the garage and not on the street-level parking in order to avoid the risk of a ticket.
Opportunity for Service:
A Chicagoland area treatment center is looking for SLAA speakers to share their experience, strength and hope in SLAA recovery at their Northbrook facility. This treatment center also has opportunities for SLAA members to speak virtually. Because it’s a professional facility, speakers will be interviewed by the SLAA Outreach Chair about their sobriety and experience in SLAA. To inquire, contact mailroom@slaachicago.org
Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup Representation
The Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup is grateful to have representatives from the following meetings :
12x12 Living in the Solution
Friday/ Sunday Beverly
Priceless Gift of Sobriety Meeting
Ravenswood Fellowship Group
Tuesday Keep Coming Back Meeting
Friday Night into Action
The Intergroup is still seeking representatives from the following meetings:
Oak Park
Solution in the Suburbs
Monday Night Naperville
Tuesday Morning Suburban West
SLAA From Anorexia to Healthy Relationships
Wednesday Morning Suburban West
Milwaukee Wednesday Evening Meeting
Reba Place Church
Thursday Night Naperville
Friday Morning Suburban West
Friday Evening Suburban West
Friday Night “Into Action”
Friday Night Live
Rise & Shine (St. Pauls)
Sunday Morning Suburban West Meeting
Sunday Night Women’s Meeting (WOMEN ONLY)
Sunday Night Oak Park (Newcomer Focus)
Sunday Night Andersonville Meeting
Evanston Sunday Night Group
Women Stepping Into Serenity
Please join us in developing an inclusive SLAA community that represents the entire Chicago/Milwaukee area.
Next Meeting: (NOTE NEW LOCATION!)
Saturday, December 16th, 2023 8:00am – 9:15 am
In Person and Zoom (Hybrid): 3326 N. Ashland, Chicago IL 60657
There is parking at the Target on the Northwest corner of School and Ashland. You must park in an upper level of the garage and not on the street-level parking in order to avoid the risk of a ticket.
The intergroup would like to remind everyone that it relies on monetary donations from groups to fund its service projects. If you are an intergroup representative, please ask your home group to consider making a monthly donation to the intergroup. When sending donations via Venmo, please write “group donation” in the comments section and specify which group the donation is coming from.
Opportunities for Newsletter Submission
As members of SLAA, you have the opportunity to contribute to our local Intergroup newsletters, as well as the fellowship-wide newsletter. Read on for more information.
Contribute to GREAT FACT
GREAT FACT—what you are reading at this very minute—is the newsletter for the Greater Chicago–Milwaukee Intergroup.
We're prepping for publication for the next few months and looking for the following submissions for future issues as it pertains to your experience, strength and hope:
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Essays
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Fiction
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Poetry
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Artwork
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Photography
Upcoming deadlines:
Looking Forward, Looking Back. How have you progressed in your recovery this past year? What goal do you set for yourself in the new year? Deadline is December 16.
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission." Please feel free to send us something outside of the themes above, and we’ll slot it in when appropriate. Thanks!
Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Meeting Minutes- Saturday, October 21, 2023
8:00AM - 9:15 AM
In Person and Zoom (Hybrid): NTAC 3326 N. Ashland
Member Name, Role , Home Group
Chris S Facilitation Chair, Retreat Co Chair, RFG
Hannah Fiduciary Chair, RFG
Caitlyn Inreach Chair/ABM Delegate, RFG
Abby Fall Gathering Co-Chair, Website Co-facilitator, Tuesday KCB, RFG
Dave Sc Beverly Friday/Sunday IG Rep
Jeremy Fall Gathering Co-Chair, RFG
Dave S Newsletter Co-Editor, RFG
Papa Fiduciary Vice Chair, RFG
Trevor Events co-chair; IG Rep, RFG
Burke Events Co-chair, 12 & 12 Living in the Solution
Zane Website co-facilitator, RFG
Christie Summer Retreat Co -Chair, RFG, Friday Into Action
READINGS & INTRODUCTIONS (12 Minutes)
● Prayer for a Trusted Servant
● Traditions
● Introductions (name, group affiliation and position)
● Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA IG Statement of Purpose
● Review Agenda
● Concept 11: Papa (Concept 12: Dave Sch)
Facilitation (5 Minutes.)
● General Report: Chris
○ Approve Minutes: September Minuted approved; Chris to include past
meeting minutes with agenda when sent out
○ Website Facilitation: Zane, Abby
■ Web Facilitation - new box for newsletter sign ups adjustment. Abby to look into reducing the size of the image for newsletter signup.
■ New permanent page for SLAA Summer Retreat Chris to work on
■ Setting Google Drive Permissions - Review IG members have Access no issues reported
■ Drop Down Menu Project Zane reached out to member to see about adding, may need to create a separate webpage that would be
embedded in ours; not looking to convert entire website to word
press at this time.
■ Special Projects:
■ Intergroup Position Responsibilities (Review All Positions and Edit/Add ABM Delegate and Event Coordinator positions) - Progress - Hannah K. Edits are done, board to vote on them (Chris, Caitlyn, Hannah)
■ Trevor/Hannah/Anthony - event coordinator position description Hannah to connect with Trevor
Fiduciary (5 Minutes)
● General Treasurer Report: Hannah Chair/Treasurer, Papa vice chair
● August Report Approval updated report to be sent out
● September Report Approval updated report to be sent out
● October Report Approval Report approved unanimously
○ People like the new report!
○ Confirmed last payments for the retreat of $5k were included in the September report.
○ Hannah to check PO Box for ABM reimbursements.
● Fiduciary -need to store reports on the drive. Currently only linked there. Chris to work with Hannah and Papa on having the IG account to own the files vs having a link to them.
● 2023 Retreat Financials
○ Confirm rollover amount Amount confirmed of $1228.68 not including the deposit sent to DeKoven
● Report Financials: General
● Online groups are having trouble contributing, not because of technical difficulties but because they have not been collecting 7th tradition. ●
● Q and A
OutReach (5 Minutes)
● General Report: Ian W
○ Inreach/Outreach teamup - outreach to far suburban meetings Caitlyn and Ian to meet this month on outreach plans
○ SLAA Speakers for Suncloud
○ Ongoing issues with meeting’s zoom links? Intergroup zoom link?
○ Naperville meeting zoom link outreach Caitlyn looking to go out sometime soon to see if anyone’s there. Meeting has been removed from list.
○ Jeremy heard a suburb meeting link wasn’t working, will follow up with what meeting that was.
○ Q and A
Inreach General Report (10 Minutes)
● General Report: Caitlyn K
○ Newsletter Report (Dave S, Ryan W)
○ Production Editor: Dave S November theme is “Building Partnerships” and is due November 15th
■ Newsletter to remove announcement about the new location of the Tuesday night meeting.
■ Contributions Editor/s: Search for new contributing editors
○ Update on Group Reps including suburban/oak park groups
○ Retreat 2023 - Chris, Christie The dates are confirmed for 2024 - August 15-18th
■ Deposit is made, looking for a co-chair
■ Will work on sending out a save the date email and adding to the events page with an email sign up sheet.
○ Spring Retreat 2024 - Exploratory Committee
○ Fall Gathering Update: Abby, Jeremy
■ Registration is at 59 total (51 paid) vs 81 last year, down 19% at this time last year. Projecting to be at 77 people. Chairs have gone to
Alano clubs, professional offices, and asking those doing service to sign up. They are also emailing those who attended virtually last
year or indicated they wanted to be of service. Abby will send out a list of meetings they have not gone to yet if anyone can attend an
extra meeting to announce the event.
■ Future registration ideas: add the following questions to see who we are reaching or not reaching: are you an addict or supportive
partner/friend/family, what is your home group
■ Ask if people want to subscribe to the newsletter and news from IG in the follow up email
● Discussed only asking this as an opt in option so as there is
no “No” - if someone said no but was already signed up,
would we need to unsubscribe them.
○ Update FG Guide - Anthony
○ Q and A
○ Event Coordinator: Trevor
■ Event Coordinator Position Description - sent and reviewed?
■ Event/s Proposed - Burke in Oak Park?
■ Upcoming Events (In the works)
■ Fellowsgiving is happening November 18th 12-4pm, Ravenswood United church
● Potluck with some items being provided from IG
● Will include gratitude sharing, board games
● $10 suggested donation, estimating 20-25 people
● Budget to be sent out to IG
● Email to be sent out, looking to announce at the fall gathering
■ Q and A
■ Holiday 2023 idea - Friendsgiving
○ Sponsorship workshop (tabled)
Annual Business Meeting Delegates (25 min)
● ABM Delegates: Anthony and Caitlyn, 2023 ABM Delegates
○ Additional Delegate Search and Confirmation.
○ Chicago Hosting ABM Proposal
○ We had already voted on this at a prior meeting, but continue to be aligned to make bid for Chicago hosting 2025 ABM. Discussed the need from IG for members support planning and during the ABM and the financial support (~$3,000)
○ We would save some money to not have delegates traveling during this year, would also look to add fundraising such as a silent auction.
○ Members interested in being of service include Abby, Hannah, Zane and Papa
New Business (10 min.) As Possible
● Intergroup Representatives Feedback
SUGGESTED ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR MEETING REPS:
● Submissions to newsletter - November Theme:
○ Deadline for Submissions:
● Subscribe to the newsletter on the slaachicago website
● Encourage donations to IG via Venmo (@Augustine-Fellowship)
● Please submit Meeting Updates via the Meeting Update Function on the Website (reopening, etc.)
● Fall Gathering October 28, 2023
Proposed Next Meeting: November 21, 2023.
8:00am – 9:15 am
Hybrid both In-Person (preferred) and OnLine (Zoom ID Above)
3326 N Ashland Ave.
Visit us at www.slaachicago.org
Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Treasury Report
The November Treasury Report is currently being updated and will be reported in the December issue.
The full treasury report is available through your Group Intergroup Representative or by request to: mailroom@slaachicago.org
SLAA Online Text-Only Chat
Those who need an additional resource in their SLAA recovery are invited to SLAA Online text-only chat recovery fellowship. Find more information by visiting the SLAA website, slaaonline.org, or by emailing slaaonline@yahoo.com.
Contribute to the Fellowship-Wide Newsletter: Journal
The Journal is SLAA’s fellowship-wide newsletter, which goes out to fellows across the world.
Upcoming themes are TO BE ANNOUNCED
Submit responses or other contributions to www.slaafws.org/journalsubmit.
To subscribe to the Journal or read the current issue, please click here.
Thank you for reading!
Coming in December
Looking Forward, Looking Back:
How have you progressed in your recovery this past year? What goal do you set for yourself in the new
year? Deadline is December 16.
We invite you to share your experience, strength, and hope.
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org
with the subject line "Newsletter Submission"