February 2020: Healthy Relationships
CONTENTS
Editors' Note
Caitlyn K.
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The theme for this month’s newsletter is Healthy Relationships. While romantic relationships are often the most obvious type of healthy relationships, I have been thinking about the other types of healthy relationships that result from working this program. For me, this has included friendships, family relationships, work relationships that have all improved as I work the Steps.. I am excited to share the articles for this month’s newsletter- all of them talk about recovery in relationships with self, Higher Power, and others. A huge thank you for all those who contributed! Happy reading!
The Three Kinds of Intimacy as Blessings of SLAA
Anonymous
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In the SLAA Basic Text section on step twelve, one of the blessings of the Program is described as, “We came to find intimacy with ourselves, intimacy with God, and then intimacy with others.” That’s a tall order, so to speak, for the newcomer to imagine. And when I first came into SLAA, I was a wreck, struggling with extreme physical and mental illness as well as spiritual dis(-)ease and plentiful acting out.
This combination of factors didn’t make recovery easy for me for a long time. I remember severely alienating people at meetings with how much I talked about irrelevant matters. Those who know me in Program today know that I take the twelve traditions of SLAA extremely seriously, but when I first went to SLAA meetings, I was promoting events that I was a part of and discussing outside issues (see traditions eleven and ten, respectively).
Unfortunately, some of my tendencies didn’t shift as strongly as I would have liked once that episode ended. However, a year after the extreme physical and mental illness was reversed, I got a sponsor who understood exactly what I needed. To some extent, he didn’t fully understand all my issues, but I wanted to work a rigorous literature-based Program, and he was the right sponsor for such work.
To me and others, the twelve steps are about ego deflation and service to others, and our work in the AA Big Book emphasized those dimensions of Program exceptionally well. I don’t claim to have a fully deflated ego today—I still struggle with Edging God Out, as the acronym spells—but I am grateful to have a greater sense of self-acceptance and self-love, as well as love for my Higher Power and for others in Program.
The first sense of intimacy that I understood to a greater degree than before was intimacy with myself. I struggled with withdrawal, both physically and emotionally, on any number of occasions, but relapse got easier to manage over time, and eventually I started to gather periods of sobriety after these periods of learning more about myself. Step work also helped with learning about myself in a way that went beyond the self-knowledge that I prided myself on; after all, as the AA Big Book reminds me, self-knowledge alone avails me (and us) nothing.
What I learned from withdrawal was that intimacy with myself through such a process was necessary not only for sobriety, but also for upholding, for example, the groups’ twelve traditions in my own life, including learning to be more self-supporting (tradition seven) and carrying the message to Program newcomers (tradition five). I can’t carry the message effectively unless I speak from my own personal experience of sobriety and working the steps, and I can’t be self-supporting in different areas of my life if I don’t recognize my patterns that I learn through withdrawal and step work.
So that was the first healthy relationship that I learned in Program: my relationship with myself. The next phase of intimacy that the SLAA blessings name is intimacy with God. Over time, especially through working the steps, I have established greater conscious contact with my Higher Power.
And to be clear, I don’t know how to exactly define and delineate what my Higher Power is, but me being willing to believe in something greater than myself has changed my life. I am more selfless, though again, my selflessness is imperfect, as we talk about progress, not perfection; more giving to others and more willing to be of service; and, especially noticeable to me and others, more welcoming to newcomers at meetings. Once I started working the steps with my current sponsor, I started greeting newcomers with a flexible script at every meeting about how I hope they hear something helpful to them and about how the Program has changed my life.
I rarely meditate; my mind has trouble shutting up, to be brutally honest. But I pray every day, at irregular times, and I feel like my intuition over time has grown to line up with my Higher Power’s will for me. That, to me, is intimacy with God, even if I don’t actively practice prayer as regularly as I “should.” I learned intimacy with God in Program.
The final stage of intimacy that this blessing names is intimacy with others. I’ve never fully understood what healthy dating and sexual relationships with others look like, and my pattern is to fall for people who are unavailable and to sleep with people whom I’m not interested in, albeit infrequently.
Recently, however, I dated somebody who was available and very interested in me, and as we had known each other prior to dating, we did have sex after communicating effectively about it. That wasn’t unhealthy for me, but we agreed after several dates that we weren’t ready to be in a relationship yet. The fact that we came to a mutual decision about not being in a relationship with each other was a very positive development. We talked, and we still like each other, but communication has become a key tool in my metaphorical arsenal of Program tools—including communication with other Program members.
The shared vulnerability and simultaneous focus on the Program—especially the steps—at meetings has greatly helped my experience in SLAA. If anything, I understand intimacy with others more in meetings at this point than in romantic contexts, but SLAA has tremendously helped with all of my relationships with others.
So, healthy relationships require intimacy, and this Program has enabled and modeled for me intimacy with myself, intimacy with God, and intimacy with others. Thanks for letting me write and share my experience, strength, and hope!!
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Gratitude
Matt R.
What is Spirit
If Not the Feelings That Well Up?
Memories, Heartache, & Elation Abound
This is Why We Live
Quiet Moments in Solitude, Eyes Closed
Connected To Those We Hold in Our Hearts
Intimate Moments, Vulnerable Moments
Mindful of Each Other’s Needs, Fears,
Hopes, & Dreams
Gratitude is What We Need Most
When Our Hue is Pale Blue
Gratitude is What Brings Us Back
& What Brought Us To This Exact Moment-
A Thought, A Reflection, A Prayer of Thanks
Gratitude is What I Feel
When I’m Warm, Safe, & Secure
- Which is Often These Days
Gratitude Replaces Regret
With Every Honest Day & Considerate Act
Gratitude Ushers in Unabated Joy
- Which is the Point
Gratitude is What I Feel
When I Think of You
A Life Threatening Addiction: A Disregard for My Own Well-Being and an Allergic Reaction to Conflict
Anonymous
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It's pretty easy to consider an addiction life threatening in cases of substance abuse. Undeniably, an overdose or choosing to drink and drive are among obvious ways to perish, thanks to substance addiction. Even food addiction can be life threatening considering heart disease, diabetes, and various other health issues. But sex and love addiction, on the other hand, can be pretty easy to disregard as a life threatening. Although sexually transmitted disease can be life threatening, it is often rationalized or minimized as preventable or treatable, and not widely considered as dire. In my case, however, my sex and love addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful and potentially deadly, despite any contrary opinion that it "just isn't that serious."
Aside from the potential risks to my biological health, I've put myself in dangerous situations that could have resulted in death or serious physical injury. When I was 16, in the days before the internet and cell phones, I used to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night on the south side of Chicago to meet up with older men I had met on a phone party line. I doubt the steak knife I had hidden up my sleeve would really do much good if one of those guys had decided to really do me harm. On one of these occasions, I was drunk and high and had been driven to a neighborhood I'd never been to. I was completely lost and defenseless, and I began to panic. The guy threatened to leave me on the side of the road if I didn't calm down. By the grace of God, no physical harm came to me that night. Yet, when I did eventually calm down, instead of insisting he take me home, I went along with him and acted out anyway, despite my fears and his threats. Acting out was more important than my own well-being.
Although this was an extreme example in a long list of somewhat less dramatic risks, I've also been subject to a long history of suicidal ideation thanks to my addiction. Since I was a young child, I can remember, time after time, wishing I would die, just because my crush didn't notice me, or I had a fight with my "best friend", or a fight with my partner. To this day, whenever my partner and I have a fight, the first thing that pops into my mind is "I wish I were dead!"
Sometimes it's just a pervading thought; other times it has come to physically harming myself, like in high school when I tried "cutting" to get attention from my ex. Or sometimes I'll make grand gestures of threatened self-harm, like the time I drove 90 miles an hour in the wrong lane when my ex wouldn't take me back. Luckily I came across an emergency room that night before I came across another vehicle. Thank God it was midnight in the middle-of-nowhere Arkansas! In that case, I was not only risking my own life, but also risking the health and safety of others. And I'm sad to say it wasn't the only instance of it.
Though I am open to discussing this kind of dangerous behavior, I'm definitely not proud of it. And even though I'm working my program, it doesn't make those thoughts go away. If I'm fighting with my partner, I have to stop myself from starting the ignition in my car, and instead call my sponsor or another program member to calm down. If I allow myself to drive in a state of distress due to conflict, the suicidal thoughts tend to take hold, and I am completely powerless over it.
When I think of powerlessness in my addiction, I am reminded of a section in the AA Big Book where it refers to "the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker." The same can be said, for me, about compulsive sexual behavior and my reaction to relational conflict with loved ones. Just as someone with a peanut allergy is powerless over anaphylaxis, my reaction to conflict or compulsive sexual behavior is completely beyond my control. Maybe others can react sanely and normally to these things, but not I.
Once I take part in compulsive sexual behavior, I cannot stop. Once I am faced with an acute conflict in my relationships, I cannot control the suicidal thoughts that pervade my thinking. As Dr. Silkworth put it, "the phenomenon of craving at once becomes paramount to all other interests," including any interest in my own safety, and even my own life.
If that's not life-threatening, I really don't know what is.
Thank God that working the program offers me a new way of living. Despite my thoughts, this is a program of action. I don't have to take action on my suicidal thoughts, I can call my sponsor or other program members; even better, I can put in a "call to the Big Guy" via prayer. I can leave a hundred messages until I reach someone. I can remember to BREATHE and meditate with the help of guided meditations. I can journal and process my thoughts in a more constructive way. I can scream, cry and feel my feelings without trying to escape. I can just go to sleep for right now. I can take out my top-line behavior list and read it, even if I'm not ready or willing to do anything on it yet. I can discuss my feelings openly and honestly, with my therapist, my partner, and other recovery members to find a solution. One day at a time, I can make different choices for my behavior. Even though I can't control my thoughts or my "allergic reaction" to my addiction, there's a million things I can do. And I know I can, thanks to the program. So I'll keep coming back.
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Some Thoughts: Sponsorship in the S Recovery Program
Arnie A.
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I joined S recovery in 2001 and began sponsoring others about five years later. Conversing with other program members over the years, I have realized that there are many different ways to sponsor. The answers to the questions below reflect my personal thoughts on how to sponsor. As we say in program, take what you like and leave the rest!
How do you define sponsorship?
I define sponsorship as taking a fellow addict through the 12 steps using one’s own strength, hope, and experience.
What lies outside the scope of sponsorship?
For me, the following is a partial list of what lies outside scope: career counseling; financial advice; marital advice; relationship advice; advice about how to manage one’s boss, co-workers or employees; advice on major purchases (house, car); educational advice (whether or not to pursue a degree or credential); and, perhaps most importantly, psychotherapy.
What if a sponsee wants to talk to you about any of those “out of scope” topics because it affects their sobriety?
This happens all the time. I try in those cases to steer the conversation away from a focus on the cause (e.g., problems at work; financial instability) and towards the solutions that the 12 steps offer to address the cause (e.g., powerlessness, resentment, character defects, contrary actions, amends, making conscious contact with higher power, etc.).
When is someone qualified to sponsor?
The answer to this question varies across sponsorship lines and S recovery programs. In my sponsorship line, you are expected to raise your hand as available to sponsor when you have completed step 3.
Should a sponsor always have more sobriety than a sponsee?
In my sponsorship line, the answer is no. The sponsor may have less sobriety time than the sponsee. The important variable is where the sponsor is in terms of step work. The sponsor should be ahead of the sponsee in terms of progress on the steps.
What should a sponsor do if he or she has a slip?
In my sponsorship line, the sponsor should tell his or her sponsee about the slip. It is up to the sponsee to decide whether or not he/she wants to continue working with that individual given the break in sobriety.
So, a sponsee can “fire” a sponsor?
Yes, and not only for having a slip. The relationship may prove not to be a good fit for other reasons.
But can a sponsor “fire” a sponsee?
In my sponsorship line, we never “fire” a sponsee for a slip, relapse, lack of progress on step work, or not showing up at meetings.
Is there any general “rule of thumb” you would offer to anyone new to being a sponsor?
Yes. Match the sponsee’s energy. If the sponsee is eager to work the steps, try your best to show up for that person. If the sponsee is showing little or no interest in step work or program, don’t invest more than that person is investing in her or himself. Doing so may make you resentful and endanger your own sobriety and serenity.
Handing it Over
Grace P.​
As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to possess experience, strength and hope. In retrospect, I can now see that this “desire”, especially for EXPERIENCE, was the beginning of my attempts to play God and to control things. Having been the victim of neglect and abuse as a child, it is easy to understand why my young self felt this way. Prior to entering the rooms of SLAA, I maintained the false belief that no one cared about me and that I needed to handle life, and all of its challenges, on my own. My husband was the first to challenge this “belief” by asking me to face life’s challenges together as husband and wife 22 years ago.
Unfortunately, as a self-sufficient and independent couple, we were just as enmeshed as we were emotionally unavailable to one another. Although my husband is on his own journey, having married a person like me, it was like waiting for a bomb to explode. One of the many lessons that I was to learn is that I could not really love anyone until I grew a love for myself first. Presently, I express this love to myself through daily physical, emotional and spiritual self-care which I believe spreads to others exponentially. Also, as a fan of anything related to self-improvement, I held another misguided belief that I was overly intelligent. I was prepared to face any challenge thrown my way or so I believed. Fortunately, this belief would be challenged by losing my mother while helping my husband recover from a heart attack; an experience that I can only describe as feeling like having surgery without any anesthesia. I literally felt “gutted” by this experience. Since then, I have learned to keep an open mind while avoiding assumptions. Instead of seeking perfection, I have begun to celebrate my progress.
Lastly, early in the program, I didn’t know about the many ways that I could express selfishness. I believed that my many acts of kindness as a wife, daughter, caregiver and friend would offset my selfish and greedy core beliefs. For instance, perhaps it was coincidence or something else, but I used to believe that my thoughts controlled outcomes and that everything that happened was meant for me, because of me or in spite of me. Like an infant, I believed that, like the Sun, everything revolved around me. In meetings ,I used to believe that certain paragraphs being read were meant for me, but as an addict, I now believe that MOST paragraphs are meant for me.
The AA Big Book describes this as selfishness and it is the “root of our troubles”. Thankfully with patience and lots of practice, I have learned to catch myself. When I attempt to play God and like something that doesn’t belong to me, I HAND IT OVER to my higher power.
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Announcements
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Thank You from Intergroup
The Chicago-Milwaukee Intergroup would like to express gratitude to the following groups for their contributions, as reported at the January meeting:
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Tuesday Keep Coming Back SLAA Group (12/24/2019): $5.00
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Tuesday Keep Coming Back SLAA Group (12/27/2019): $24.00
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Tuesday Solution In The Suburbs SLAA Group (12/27/2019): $10.00
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Hedwigs SLAA Group (1/4/2020): $190.80
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Friday and Sunday Beverly Serenity SLAA Groups (1/4/2020): $70.00
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SLAA Phone Groups (1/7/2020): $15.00
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Rise and Shine SLAA Group (1/13/2020): $150.00
These contributions help with Intergroup operations so we can continue to carry the message. Thank you!
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Upcoming Intergroup Elections
In March, the Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup will hold elections for Intergroup officer positions. If you would like to participate, we encourage you to join us on March 21, 2020 at 8 a.m. at St. Hedwig’s Pastoral Center – 2114 W. Webster Ave, Chicago, IL
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Opportunities for Newsletter Submission
As members of SLAA, you have the opportunity to contribute to our local Intergroup newsletters, as well as the fellowship-wide newsletter. Read on for more information.
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Contribute to GREAT FACT
GREAT FACT—what you are reading at this very minute—is the newsletter for the Greater Chicago–Milwaukee Intergroup.
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We're prepping for publication for the next few months and looking for the following submissions:
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Essays
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Fiction
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Poetry
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Artwork
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Photography
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Upcoming deadlines:
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March (Mar 1): “Living with a Higher Power” What is your Higher Power? How do you connect with your Higher Power? How does your Higher Power connect with you? How does your life look when you turn it over to your Higher Power?
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April (Mar 29): “Honesty”
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May (April 30): “Service”
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission." Please feel free to send us something outside of the themes above, and we’ll slot it in when appropriate. Thanks!
Upcoming Events​
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Check back next month or the Chicago SLAA website for news on upcoming events!
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Meeting Minutes
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Attendance
Co-Chair: Hannah K., RFG
Newsletter Co-Editor: Francis, Rise & Shine
Co-Web/Summer Retreat: Cathy, Solution in the Suburbs
Treasurer: Anthony, RFG
Website Facilitator: Christie, RFG
Newsletter Co-Editor: Caitlyn, RFG
Inreach: William, Sunday Evanston, Verne, Rise & Shine
Outreach/Rep: Kelly, Solution in the Suburbs
Reps:
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Dave, Beverly
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Kristen, Milwaukee Saturday
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Hannah, RFG
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Chase, Streeterville
Visitor: Travis, RFG
Chairperson Reports:
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Minutes not approved
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ABM Delegate needed
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Verne?
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Decision made for SLAA Group conscience
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#1 Expense
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July 28-31, 2020 in Sacramento, CA
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To be continued… By-law updates & Role Descriptions
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Next month Google Drive Demo
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Officer Nominees - March
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Chase - Fiduciary?
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Minutes are missing from Google Drive
Fiduciary Reports
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Minutes Approved
Inreach Reports
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Newsletter
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Remove Treasurer’s report? Balance? $ spent? Groups donations
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Wrap up - 2 week turn around
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Summer Retreat
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Vote on Co-chair
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Vince - unanimous
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No location locked in
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Valentine’s Day Game Night
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RFG - 2/15/2020
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Potluck - Suggested $5 donation
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6-900pm
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Back To Basics Workshop
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William & Hannah
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Sponsorship Workshop
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Tami?
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Outreach Reports
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Need feedback on pamphlets
New Business
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New location for Summer Retreat
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3 months for ABM discussion
All SLAA members are welcome to attend Intergroup meetings, which typically take place the third Saturday of each month, at 8 am at St. Hedwig's Church, 2246 N Hoyne Ave, Chicago.
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Greater Chicago/Milwaukee SLAA Intergroup
Treasury Report
01/16/20-2/14/20
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Starting Balance January 16, 2020 $6,388.90
Total Intergroup Group/Individual Donations +$464.80
Total Expenses $70.87
Acct. Current Balance (2/14/20) Act. $6,782.83
*The full treasury report is available through your Group Intergroup Representative or by request to: mailroom@slaachicago.org.
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SLAA Online Text-Only Chat
Those who need an additional resource in their SLAA recovery are invited to SLAA Online text-only chat recovery fellowship. Find more information by visiting the SLAA website, slaaonline.org, or by emailing slaaonline@yahoo.com.
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Contribute to West Chicago Intergroup Newsletter
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Our friends in the West Chicago Intergroup invite members to contribute to their newsletter to share their experience, strength, and hope. According to Mark K., "Writing an article for our newsletter is one way you can serve yourself and others." For more information, email pcomind@gmail.com or visit the West Chicago Intergroup website.
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Contribute to the Fellowship-Wide Newsletter: Journal
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​The Journal is SLAA’s fellowship-wide newsletter, which goes out to fellows around the world.
The Journal seeks submissions for the “Question of the Day” for upcoming issues (deadline):
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May/June: "Living Alone to Moving in"Have you gone from living alone to moving in with a part- ner? Please share about the challenges you faced and how you dealt with them and/or any special stories about mov- ing in. (Mar. 15)
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July/August: "ABM Issue* Dealing With Fear" How do you deal with fear in recovery? Have you had a particularly fearful situation that Program tools helped you overcome? Please share your experience, strength, and hope and any coping skills. (May 15)
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September/October: "Tools for No Contact" Have you ever gotten through the pain of a no contact rule to come to some new revelation about yourself, clarity, peace, or mindfulness? Please share any tools that make no contact easier. (July 15)
Submit responses or other contributions to www.slaafws.org/journalsubmit.
To subscribe to the Journal or read the current issue, please click here.
Thank you for reading!
Coming in March: "Living with a Higher Power"
We invite you to share your experience, strength, and hope.
To submit, please send an email to mailroom@slaachicago.org with the subject line "Newsletter Submission"
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