A New Start

Anonymous

​

Welcome to the real world.  –The Matrix.

​

In my addiction, I lived in a haze; a fog of self-deception, lies and duplicity.  Let’s face it, I would have to be wearing blinders to put myself through the insanity of my addiction.  Entering abandoned buildings, making myself black out, exposing myself to diseases, exposing my personal information to criminals.  There are pimps out there who may still have my credit card number, home address and work address – that is unmanageable.

In sobriety, I am reintroduced to the real world.The real world can be harsh.  The real world does not erase late rent or utility payments, or bounced checks, or credit card debt.  When I trash my car or home during a binge, it’s still a wreck when I sober up.

But the real world is run by someone I can trust.  My higher power is working to make reality exactly what I need.

I can trust my higher power to help me face reality.

​

Another Layer of the Onion

Vince R.

A few years ago, I chatted up a new young coworker at my company. I asked her personal questions and did a lot of smiling. Shortly after, I was asked to come to my boss' office and was told that the coworker felt uncomfortable with my questions. I was in my disease and very much in denial about what I was up to. So I used two of my favorite character defects -- pride and dishonesty -- to defend myself and try to avoid trouble. I became indignant and told my boss that the coworker misinterpreted the situation, that I was simply being kind and welcoming to a new employee. And if the coworker took this the wrong way, then that's her problem! The story I offered sounded a lot better than what I was really up to: trying to get a cheap thrill out of the coworker's attention and set up a chance to act out with her in the future. My boss told me not to speak with this coworker again. I'd avoided serious consequences, but in my disease I felt compelled to convince myself and others of my story -- that I was just a nice guy who was misunderstood. That evening, I told my girlfriend (now my wife) the same lie. She appeared to "buy it" and I felt justified and righteous.

I recently made amends with my boss. I admitted that I lied and explained my true motives toward the coworker. As I was getting ready to call my boss*, I felt afraid that my wife would overhear me talking about it. So I left our apartment and did the amends from my car. The amends was received graciously and I was forgiven for my behavior. Afterward, I realized that I never told my wife the truth about this situation. Over time I "forgot" about it. I began to feel guilty that I was hiding something. I had an intuition that I should make amends and tell my wife the truth. But if she knew, she might get really upset and maybe question our relationship, and in my disease that would be a huge threat.

I brought this situation up with my sponsor. We discussed the role of shame in my disease, and he asked if there were any other secrets hidden from my wife. I made a list. While my wife and I have been in a relationship, I've started emotionally vulnerable conversations with several women, masturbated, willfully stared at and objectified other women (including minors) both out in the world and online, "researched" women online to see what they look like, and tried to get women to rescue me emotionally by appearing weak or upset. Up until this time, I told myself that my wife didn't need to know these things because they either were "old business", or "aren't bottom lines". But what was revealed to me through inventorying is that these behaviors separate me from God and my wife and keep me in my disease. 

The more I thought about all of this, the more ashamed I felt. I had two choices. One was to continue keeping secrets from my wife. If I chose this I'd get the comfort of not upsetting her, but I'd have to live with the shame of my secrets. The other was to make amends and tell my wife about all of this -- to make sure that I have no more secrets from her. This would risk upsetting her and threatening our relationship, but it would give her the chance to really know who her husband is. It was a scary decision that I didn't want to make, and I balked. My sponsor asked a question that struck me: Did I want my wife to love me for who I am, warts and all, or for who she thinks I am? 

There are times in my recovery when I come to a crossroads, and I can either settle for the growth I've made or get really uncomfortable and grow some more -- peel that next layer of the onion. This was one of these times. I was scared, but had faith that God would lead me to the truth. After plenty of talks with my sponsor and fellows, inventorying, and prayer, I made a decision. I wrote up an amends letter and took suggested edits from my sponsor.

A couple of weeks ago, I made amends with my wife. I admitted all the secrets I'd been hiding and how I did this out of shame and fear. She received the amends graciously and forgave me. None of my fears came true -- she didn't leave me or get upset. When I asked how I could make it up to her, she encouraged me to tell her when I'm in my disease, to be honest about what I'm doing. There was a lot of God and a lot of grace in this talk. 

I now feel the freedom of a clean slate with my wife. And when I get tempted to act out in any way, even accessory behaviors, God reminds me of my recent amends to her and I take contrary action. I am grateful for this new understanding and experience of sobriety. I am also grateful that I have a sponsor who knows me and could guide me through this process by using the Steps. I believe that there will be more opportunities ahead through which I can strengthen my recovery and improve my relationship with God and others. When these come, I pray that God will give me the strength and willingness to continue working toward His will rather than my own. 

*I offered to make the amends in person, but my former employer was only available via video call.

​