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The Importance of Staying in the Present

Bruce P.

There are several principles of the program—some from the literature and some I’ve just heard in the rooms—that I live by and I believe are central to recovery. The first is from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It says that the alcoholic is beset by two difficulties. One is that once s/he takes in any alcohol, the body of the alcoholic craves more and more alcohol. This would not be a problem were it not for number two: the alcoholic has an obsession of the mind that drives her or him to take a drink in the first place. I believe these two factors are at work in the sex and love addict as well.

My acting out begins with an obsession of the mind. It is usually either euphoric recall from the past or fantasy about the future. Euphoric recall is remembering past acting out behaviors with a filter that screens out the degradation, shame, guilt, danger and other negative aspects of the event and leads to a high based on this rosy view of the event. Since it is a form of remembering, when I am in euphoric recall I am not in the present. Fantasy about the future for me usually means imagining acting out with someone – never my wife – that I’ve acted out with before. It too yields a high that is devoid of the negative aspects of the liaison. Again, when fantasizing about the future, I am not in the present. These are the obsessions of my mind. Both of these can and do lead to obsessive/compulsive behavior which I cannot seem to stop, such as acting out with myself or coming dangerously close to acting out with someone else. Once begun, the physical craving leads me deeper and deeper in violating my other bottom line behaviors.

A member the other day stated that his acting out behavior comes on him without warning. I agreed with him, but then changed my mind. I realized that there are warnings such as the beginning of euphoric recall or fantasy. I just miss them or “choose” to ignore them. I have to be especially aware of what I am thinking and feeling as warning signs that the obsession of the mind is still alive and well.

The second principle I try to adhere to is that the program is all about separating emotions from thoughts. I then need to identify and feel the emotions. My behavior needs to be rooted in sober, mature thought. The words “acting out” come from and mean “physically acting out my emotions.” The key for me on this is that I need to identify and feel the emotions. Identifying them is not – by itself – enough. I need to actually feel the feelings. When I do, the feeling usually dissipates relatively quickly. I had a spiritual experience years ago when I was in the obsessive/compulsive phase of acting out. This one time, I knew I didn’t want to. I lay down (horizontally) on the couch and repeated over and over, “What am I feeling? What am I feeling?” I had a vision of me as a small baby being lowered onto an infinite expanse of skin. The feeling defined the word “security.” I knew it was a birthing experience and was very important. I also knew that my acting out in large part stemmed from insecurity. I also note that that day, I did not act out.

Today, I repeat “What am I feeling?” over and over when I am praying, meditating and/or in potential trouble with acting out. It has become my mantra. I note that the fact that I was lying down also seems to have been important. I have added, “What am I thinking?” and “What are my values?” to that mantra, because I want to try to keep my mind clear on my goals in the program. I note first that I can only feel feelings in the present. I can’t feel feelings of yesterday; nor can I feel tomorrow’s feelings. Whatever I’m feeling, I’m feeling it NOW. I also note again that feeling the feelings rapidly dissipates the need to act out. Am I feeling lonely? That’s OK. I’m not alone in life, I’m just alone now. That’s solitude. Am I angry? That’s OK. Perhaps I need to express it and I certainly need to honor it. Am I afraid? Of what? Often identifying the fear and realizing I’m not really in danger makes it go away.

A third principle of the program for me is that surrender is key. I have to give up to get sobriety. And I have to surrender now, not yesterday and not tomorrow. When I decided – before recovery – not to kill myself, I totally surrendered. I gave up. I knew I couldn’t live that way anymore. And I knew I didn’t know how to live life. That’s what led me to the door of suicide. That surrender lasted for about two years. For two years I did what others told me. I followed directions. But I wasn’t stupid. I told a doctor and he put me into therapy. That therapy was useless. (I’ve since had great therapy). I heard about 12 Step Programs and wanted to talk to someone about that. That got me into treatment. There I was told to get a sponsor and go to lots of meetings. I did. I was told to work the steps and I made a start. That kept me going in program for years. I often say that I missed the day of school when they handed out the book on how to live life. The 12 Steps gave me the way to live life and I grabbed onto them and held on for dear life. And I still do. But my ego reasserted itself and I began getting ideas that I could run my life: my surrender withered with the rebirth of my ego. So today, I pray for God’s help in surrendering twice every day (plus during incidental prayers). My surrender has to be in the present.

That’s the basis for “One Day at a Time.” Or one hour at a time or one minute at a time. I can surrender – have the willingness to let God run my life – only in the present. The fact that I surrendered last year or might surrender tomorrow doesn’t matter. I have to have that willingness NOW. I have to stay in the present.

Another principle of the program is that self-knowledge avails me nothing. I know that my acting out behavior is rooted in the childhood sexual abuse I suffered, in the alcoholism of my family of origin, in my obsessive sexual behavior as a child, in the stress of Vietnam combat and other experiences I went through. None of that matters. I have this disease. That’s what I’m powerless over, but I’m not helpless. If I stay in the present to the best of my ability and practice the principles of the program, I can be sober for today.

If I seek sobriety, maturity, serenity, acceptance, patience and all the other things we are all looking for, they are various aspects of staying in the present. It doesn’t mean I don’t plan for the future and carry out deadlines; it means I do these things in the present, one day at a time. If I stay in touch with my feelings, letting go and letting God, I can stay sober, one moment, one day at a time.

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